Realist who is an idealist?

know i previously promised somewhere that i wont have anymore emo posts right? haha. and i have been trying not to. but promises are made to be broken right? if you are someone allergic to emo words, please do not read. and i m not suicidal. not yet.

I didnt think these up on purpose. thoughts that come into my mind when i look at things that's all. now you know why I snap pictures of everyday things. Cause to me, they are more than that.



futile.& what use is there, trying to salvage something that is already lost? the story's not done; unraveled at the seams. for time heals no wounds - serving only the purpose of convicting it upon my heart

Hope? Was never my gift to take.

Light cuts through the clouds and haunts me, like bad dreamsoutside lookin' in, i'm feeling lost and cold as sina shred of hope, a little bit of sweetness - anything please, except for defeat

if i could i'd lock you up and toss out the key,it's just you and me.but what's the point in faking,if your hand isn't mine for the taking?

read people's blogs and I wonder how they can be so free, to LIVE life. sometimes i wish, i could take breaks. 'cause i know i won't want to totally give up this. i wish i could come and go, as and when. wouldn't that be great? but I cannot choose; can't have the best of both worlds.now, it's always an endless struggle to complete what's at hand. just, for now. what's in it for me, long term? i cannot see, i cannot tell. and i don't know if i want to know, if i'm ready to know. i realised how it has come to pass that i have to let go off my past, i cannot afford to hold on to them. i'm beginning to forget things so easily..Is it a choice? Is it subconscious? I don't know. I don't seem want to face what is happening to ME. I used to be so free. so unrestrained. Free to develop. Inside, outside. No one ever questioned what I was doing. I knew what I was doing. I had a path that I know I would walk, that I could enjoy. The past seemed like a thousand years ago. Was naive; am i still? will i ever change. you say, this is "my nature". but why do i believe it's just me, refusing to move out of this. all this talk, about being worthless, about hating myself, about feeling sorry for everything.. i've gone over this. why is it all coming back once more? I hate this.

Sheena says i trap myself in my past. do I? maybe I do. cause i just cant seem to forget, to be ME. It is just hard to stand up when everytime you do, you get hit down again. It is like falling on the road.

When i stand up i get hit. again and again. the sense of urgency to get off the road in order not to get hit dims. Sometimes it seems that I want to get hit. I sit in a corner, pathethic. I cry alone at night, wanting arms to tell me to hug me to tell me it is ok, i know it is a lie.

Prayers dont help. Everytime i read the inscription that my mom hangs on the wall saying that the Lord will journey with you, i cry again, i bleed afresh. Lord, where are you now? I seem selfish. I know I am. He keeps telling me to trust in Him, but I cant. Lord, you said you would carry me on your shoulders, but why does it seem that I m bleeding on my own? It feels so lonely. I feel so fake. Loud and happy in school, but it seems like I m floating elsewhere. Cause I feel so cheated. I cant stop Her from heading to what I know it is fruitless, I can only stand aside and fret for her. What do I get in return? Cold shoulders as and when they like it.

Cause i feel like dying. Right now. Right this minute. The slashes get deeper, and somehow, the pain pales in comparison. Sorry Aziza. I tried.

Reality- it's crashing through the floor.

Anyone on the 8th, 9th or 10th? I m free! hehe. and damn if i am staying at home(: