♥ for all that we've done,

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 @ 1:29 PM

it's gonna be a new year, but nothing feels right for me. gonna meet esther for recess on the first day of school. time to clear things up. why doesnt it feel right for me? why everything I thought was fine isnt?

it's a new year, but surely old mistakes catch up. even mistakes you didnt know were there. I've been changing, more than you guys know. and it's tiring. it really is. I just want to be, well, me. is it so hard, to be me, for me?

new year, without the rose tinted glasses. not so new a start, is it?

& dread's weighing down. but face it I must. I must, I should, I will.

...but if nothing changes, is there still a point?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 @ 8:06 PM

on leena's blog: the grass is greener on the other side, but we're still sharing the same sky.

the same sentiments, all around. must it be that behind every smile and laughter, there're always tears and pain?

time's supposed to heal all wounds...when?

Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
I'm goin' back to the start

@ 2:05 PM

been tidying up the debate notebook and was doing research on homosexuality before becoming extremely annoyed at arguments online. It's difficult for me to read much of the debate over homosexuality without becoming annoyed at both sides, despite the fact that one of the sides is "my" side. And it's not just the extremists throwing used condoms at priests on the left or picketing funerals on the right.

For the traditional family camp:

If you're really that worried about marriage, why aren't you launching anti-adultery campaigns too? How much more prevalent is that?
How about some "continuity of marriage" campaigns to drop the divorce rate, if marriage is your big issue?
If the thought of what two men might be doing creeps you out, could you kindly just count to ten before you say something? "Eeeww" isn't the most persuasive argument in the world.
Come on now, all the anti-homosexual rhetoric: aren't you just glad you've finally found a sexual sin that you *aren't* tempted to? Do you pick on that one because it's the only one you feel you can speak against without being a hypocrite?

For the homosexual legitimization camp:

Would you kindly drop the sanctimonious routine where you lecture other people about the morality of love? "Sanctimonious" never comes across well, even from those with impeccable moral credentials.
Would you please not argue from Scriptures supporting agape-love and press them into service to support erotic love? It does not impress people with your deep understanding of Scripture.
Please don't resort to demonizing people who hold a more conservative view of Scripture. Especially right after you just gave a lecture about how much more Christ-like and loving you are than those evil morons who disagree with you.
If you reject certain Scriptures just say so. Can we skip playing the shell-game with words till the meaning of the verses gets lost in the shuffle? That approach just doesn't impress people with its forthrightness.

typically annoyed at useless articles online.

Monday, December 29, 2008 @ 10:13 PM

debate today, school.

sec1s were having their orientation, and debaters were in the canteen. I suppose the leaders had too much spare time on their hands, and thus, made them cheer. duh, typicality. so, much to our amusement, cedar solid became slow like crap, cedar revolution couldnt hear anything, they sing row row row your boats before meals, and well, they do COALs cheers. grr them.

I could almost forget what it was like to wear high waisted long skirts. ohnevermind, these little ones will all have short skirts 6months down the road. stop looking like aliens, at least.

and I saw familiar faces! heh, I missed them, lots.

and to those PCs and PSLs who look like they're gonna give up the tedious job of breathing and die flat on the floor when I saw you today, jiayou! and keep going! turn those weirdos into trueblue cedarians yea! especially hananthaha! jiayou OIC! dont die yet, I want to tease you when school reopens! -bear hug!-

@ 12:15 AM

ANIMOLOGY: What Animal Are You? Your Result: Red Jaguar You're a very big kitty! You're very fast, but can be easily tricked. Insecurity causes your very sharp senses to fool you and easily get caught in your actions. Your Soul Mate is the Tan Giraffe. In conflict with the Teal Cat.
Silver and Red Wolf
Blue Fox
Gold Falcon
Ocre and Gray Dolphin
Teal Cat
Yellow Trout
Tan Giraffe
ANIMOLOGY: What Animal Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

miaow?

Sunday, December 28, 2008 @ 11:26 PM

yes, I am back on comforting singapore soil where I know that traffic lights are dependable and local fare need not consist of asam or coconut milk. trust me, lactose intolerant people do not like coconut milk, cause it makes them feel bad and puke every single thing they eat. sounds anorexic ya?

anyway, it's been fun. then again, spending time with the family's always fun (: cause we do random things, say random stuff and walk around the entire day.

got stuff for people who matters to me (:

I'm tired.

Thursday, December 25, 2008 @ 8:11 PM

I read this on onion's blog and found it sweet.

When two people who are truly in love are facing separation, real love will show. He was told to count to ten while walking away from her, without looking back at all. And if they were really in love, his love would not allow him to leave. After saying goodbye, he bit his lips, and began walking. He counted.
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9..
10.

As he handed his passport to the customs officer, he glanced back.She was already gone. Refusing to believe that she had not stopped him, he began to cry.

The second time he believed he fell in love, He told himself it's gonna be different. When he was leaving abroad again. He told his new found love about counting to ten. and this time they did it. together.

He started.
1
She started.
2
they took turns.
3
4
5
6
7
8
9...
As the girl was about to say 10,he put his finger across her lips, said 'i love you' beside her ear and began walking away. After taking 5 steps, he felt a familiar embrace around his waist.

Don't go

And it was just the voice he wanted to hear. That belonged to hers only.

I guess I'll never find true love then. cause everytime I make an escape, no one really notices. all the good being there has ever done, I guess.

@ 3:56 PM

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for all the things you guys did for me k? and those who sent it via email, thanks lots! I really treasure every single one of them, no matter it be a card or a handpicked present (;

christmas eve wasnt very exciting or particularly fun, but stealing food from the buffet table when you are supposed to be serving is quite amusing, especially when no one really minds. the chior did a really great job! and I felt like a proud parent sitting at the gallery looking down at you guys (:

k, so much for christmas. there really isnt much of an atmosphere.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 @ 3:15 PM

-deleted-

I have a sudden craving for good chicken bryani and teh tarik (: christmas presents. and I'm still wavering if I should give you one.

@ 1:01 AM

fun filled day, though it leaves me quite tired at the end of it all, it's the kind of fatigue that still makes you want to smile.

debate. rawr. argh. sheesh. gahh. I'm rusty. very very rusty. didnt do very well, though ironmanning's really quite an experience. has the disjointed effect of making you feel disorientated in the midst of the debate, cause you dont really know which speaker role you have to adhere to. anyway, for the TJ U-16 team, goodluck and jiayou with prep ya? and for the budget debates, hohoho, I guess we'll do fine. next year's going to be packed, and exciting. (:

churchies bbq was rather fun, but since I'm tired and well, bbq are always the same no matter if you have it with a two legged chicken or four legged cow, I shall collect my printed materials and hop to bed. (:

/ you know you're making me quite worried? when will a clean cut ever be in place?

Monday, December 22, 2008 @ 1:05 AM

when you have much to say, and no way to phrase it, you dont blog. (: no?

and with regards to the previous post, you wouldnt know. heh

meanwhile, I'll luxricate in the presence of female fantasies and bimboness. in a room filled with the smell of alcohol, guess from where?

Friday, December 19, 2008 @ 6:59 PM

I tagged along this morning when my younger brother reported to his new school, where I suppose my family will have to start accepting that he is growing up and give him the time and space in which he does?

it was hard to look at his excitement and not think back two years ago. I entered cedar with many a dreams, many a wishes, much optimism. some fufiled in the two short years I've entered, many others not. I've laughed, brooded, cried, comforted, been comforted by my friends, learnt, be awed by my seniors.

before I went for church camp, I was being told something, and I had to make a choice. my mind flitted between alot of things. alot of statements my seniors made. and I decided to go for it, against many's warnings and my own apprenhension. we'll just see how it goes when school reopens.

I'm no longer a 13 year old with bright shinning eyes waiting to be welcomed in the cedar family. but I'll try my best to not let the shinning be replaced by a dullness.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 @ 3:05 PM

http://www.ipersonic.com/type/DR.html; you judge if the results are true

You are a Determined Realist

Determined Realists like to bear responsibility and welcome challenges. They are stable, reliable persons. External contacts are very important to them; they mix well and are very active. They are excellent organisers and are very happy when things are done correctly and punctually; they can quickly react impatiently if others are not as conscientious, orderly and dutiful as they are. They prefer structured work which produces visible results quickly to abstract, long-drawn-out processes. Once they have committed themselves to a cause they do this with dedication and are willing to make considerable sacrifices for it.

Determined Realists do not avoid conflicts and criticism but face up to them and look for solutions. As they have a keen eye for the errors and shortcomings of others and are often quick at expressing criticism, they sometimes rub people up the wrong way especially when they lose their temper and jump to conclusions. Due to their marked sense of justice they are quickly willing to correct themselves and never take offence if someone speaks to them frankly. You do not have to seek hidden motives with them; you always know where you are. Determined Realists are often found in executive positions as they combine commitment, competence and the ability to assert themselves. In their spare time, they often also accept responsibility in clubs and other institutions. This does not mean that you want to be particularly dominating; you just have a pretty good notion of how things are supposed to work, and you just implement them without hesitation.

Your personality type belongs to the most loyal and most faithful types. Even though you are able to fall in love head over heels if the stars are properly aligned, recklessness in dealing with your feelings, and those of others, is totally foreign to you. A relationship is a very important obligation for you. You take it very seriously, and give it a very important place in your life. Security, responsibility, and stability are very important to you, and you strive for a permanent personal relationship. Once you make a promise, one can be sure that you’ll do everything in your power to keep it, and this especially applies to matters of love. Unfaithfulness and flightiness are going to hurt you more than most other types.

mhm.

@ 2:14 PM

so, SF camp's over, and all in all, I think it went quite alright? this is of course, from the very biased source, since the author's a programmer, heh heh.

I was quite dreading it at first, cause things werent running so smoothly and I just couldnt be hyped up enough to go and dedicate any more time or help out. things went fine in the end.

admist all the running up and down, hunting for masking tapes, going "what!" at unclear instructions, leading games, briefings, rushed lunches, hunting for missing people, late night debriefs and programmers meetings and uncomfortable sleeping positions, I really enjoyed myself. especially on the last night, at the auditorium, heh. widespread chaos ought to be a suitable enough word to describe what went on huh?

presenting the programmers (PROs); though I look hideous

SF comm: a big thank you to all of you guys! I am absolutely sure that camp wouldnt have been half as crazy or fun without all of you in it. special thanks to Logistics for all putting up with us pros hunting for materials all the time and making you guys run up and down cause we are lazy pigs. F&B, goodjob with feeding all of us and cleaning up after us in the kitchen ya? Publicity, you seriously rocked the camp booklet, who knows what we might have screwed it with our limited abilities in the art arena. worship, I think you guys were the only ones who really didnt screw up in any way ya? Lydia, you're the best campchair ya? thank you so much for everything, I think there will be no camp without you around to push us. and now that everything's over, take a breath and rest. (:

Pros!: ohman, I think I am seeing you guys wayyyy to much for my own mental well being. so, this is a huge hug and thank you for everything ya? getting dirty together, getting sore throats, stressing up, cleaning up, and the late nights together. I wont ever forget hearing SK screaming at ghosts and white figures and what not. (:

Agape!:haha, sorry guys I didnt really get to spend much time with you guys during the camp ya? you guys did great anyway, dont care about the scores and stuff, cause you people could really have scored better if you guys played it a little dirtier. what to do? cause we're nice people, no? anyway, admist everything else, I enjoyed laughing at you guys, and am proud to be part of you guys (:

oh, and to those who wrote notes to me, thanks for taking the effort yea? It really made me smile. (:

Saturday, December 13, 2008 @ 1:16 PM

why cant the world be like a drama serial, where everything ends happily ever after, the end?

and something tugs deep in my belly.

and you: please stop probbing, I would have told you long ago if I thought you could or should know. just leave it as it is. no point. you wouldnt read anything on my face, so leave the thoughts in my head where they are, k?

debate, here I come. defence budgets.

Friday, December 12, 2008 @ 8:28 PM

wrapping up stuff here and there throughout the entire day, since, surprise surprise, the holidays are ending soon.

y'know, recently there was an advertisment on how you are going to spend the last day and the last second on the day of 2008. something about countdowns I think. I am going to spend it dreading sec3. none of the excitement at the end of sec1.

another step in life. another milestone. why do I dread it? I dont know.

recently received a card which rolled my xmas greetings and letter into one. it made me smile for a moment, and then I started brooding again.

I have fantastic seniors. they are almost perfect. be it acedemic wise, debate wise or leadership wise. and there's a kind of pressure, to be as good as them. if not for myself, for my juniors? they gave me alot. they taught me lessons not found in books. but I cant.

I wont ever be that kind of senior to my juniors. which may explain why I have a sudden feeling to draw back, to just blend into the background. it'd be easy. it'd be easy to cant be bothered. to just live the way I want to. so tempting.

yet, I have to live up to it.

sec3 is going to be a hard year, no?

@ 12:45 AM

I was doing alot of photo editing, water babies growing and arranging, cutting, pasting, painting, and what not today. then when I was editing this photo of echo having alot of fun at kallang kfc, it somehow put a smile on my face. since my bro came in and went out screaming to my mom that his sister was smiling at the comp and going insane.

then this song was playing on my comp. a chinese song, but translated, it went along the lines of, friends come and leave, friends come and leave. where's my resting place, with all the lies and treachery in this world?

and it struck me that yeah, all the friends I've made in cedar will one day leave me. maybe one day, when I am successful, I may meet them. maybe one day, when I become a homeless soul, I may meet them. but when? will we stay in contact forever? what I treasure now, will they become just drips drops in the sea of my mind?

I'm a pretty cool and heartless person. but even then, this frightens me. because I know, when we say we'll never forget, we'll always treasure, always remember, we wont. that's just the human brain. it wont.

there's a line that goes, if everyone cared and no one cried, then no one will die. then again, does it always works that way?

some food for thought (:

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 @ 1:53 PM

I havent done this since forever.

tag replies:

tp: heyo back. eh, dont try to make me feel guilty, phrase until like that. soon soon k!

tianqi: haha, another one. busy girl, remember to do holiday homework inbetween all your camps! where got so many thing happen? my life is stagnant.

hanan: do I expect anything else, seriously.

tianqi: yes, as soon as I get my church camp over and have more time on my hands. (:

tp: your TP is happy every single day!

leena: haha, but IA wouldnt be reading our blogs so long after coals's over..right? haha, and yes she would, cause she aint dumb.

oniontho: your mom is still schooling, and the lawyer ambition is still a far far away thing. not cheem lah, simple english only.

isabel: haha, you didnt see that exhibit whatttt. and why do you identify with the most depressing paras!

tianqi: then you still type out in full view! I dont think so, coals pass too long for them to be glued to our blogs alrdy. and I am generally unknown in coals, so no risk for me, heh.

hanan: look who's talking! haha.

mar: haha, really? you didnt see that exhibit lahhhhhhh. haha, clique outing, coming right up!

onion: I will smack you if you say that again!

zh: hey there!

leena: later isabel reads this, you die.

onion: if that part is still cheem, you better go back to primary school alrdy! haha, gahh, I miss you all! and I want bao bao!

@ 1:32 PM

haha, terror upon horrors. I saw carislau and hongxun for 4days in a row. any wonder I am becoming abit crazy and cog-ny or something. haha, go hongkong bring back all the horniness only. silly people. gahh.

I've been bored at home. assumingly, chem, english, maths and chinese isnt at all entertaining. oh, blog surfing has just given me an inkling of what to expect next year in class. speaking of which, I am crossing my fingers and hoping that we dont get split up. insanity will be quite rampant though, if things keep up as it is. one thing for sure, we'll be quite the cliqueey class.

gahh, have I ever expressed my profound desire that I am english or something? hear the resentment. this is the cheem version.

WHY MY MOM CANT BE AN ENGLISH TUTOR INSTEAD? rawr. this is the uncheem one.

k, driven by boredom past the borders of insanity.

Saturday, December 6, 2008 @ 11:19 PM

I doubt any but those who have seen the exhibit named doubleness, will understand this post.

in most of the pictures, there seemed to be a common theme, desperation. in the subject's eyes, in the way they move, in the way they carry themselves. especially for the chain, the way I interepreted it.

what happens in that particular area, is that two insane people are chained together. one of the pair will be slightly more sane than the other, and this would be the "leader" of the pair. they'll be chained together, around the stomach, throughout the day, only in sleep are they unchained from each other and chained to their own bedpost.

imagine, if every morning, you are woken up, unchained, only to be chained again. the cycle repeats day after day, day after day. if you knew what was happening, how would you feel? desperation. loneliness. you're being forced into this place, this place with no medication, no cure, no way to help yourself. you exist as a pair, exist as a number perhaps, a statistic. no identity, that's for sure. who takes a mad person seriously?

chinatown, didnt hit me so hard. but loneliness, and that sense of endless waiting. someone once told me she hated to wait for people, cause it is a utter waste of time. I can understand. but for them, the waiting is endless. you never know when you'll see your partner again. on the board, one sentence really hit me. " they lead double lives. married, but single. has children, but childless. together, yet apart" they have firework celebrations to thank the gods when they're allowed to move to the US. is this the hidden side of newyork? a capitalist, successful city where machines whirl?

double happiness. double desperation. vacant empty eyes, a wedding without love. mass wedding at that. people have to be taught how to place their hands on their partner's shoulders and waist. women like produces, things to be bought, traded. how's that fair? how how how is that fair? people spend millions on the perfect wedding, and these people, they dont even get to choose who they marry? poverty? who would do this willingly?

is it just me? or is this world, an unjust, stupid, pathethic place?

think of it. we're chained to the secular world. are these, then, the real faces of the world?

somehow, an unbrearable saddness weighs down my mind. and I cant seem to get these images out of my head. what the photographer did, for me, was to put a face, to these phenomenons I've heard of. he made it real.

@ 9:20 PM

debate at SMU today. I've missed my debate sessions, COALs made me miss the last two sessions.

I love the debaters. why? cause they are a bunch of insanely mad people who are oddly sane at the times when it matters most.

interesting session with discussions on obama. hmm, I shall just think about it. though there are alot of ifs, hows. I shall leave my answers to google. failed attempt to queue for icecream at the fest. rainy day, ouch. short true or dare session, hmm. the weird questions they ask.

then me and estee went to the national mueseum, where we were quite tickled. we expected to pay 5bucks to get into one of the photography exhibits. ended up both of us were given complimentary tickets to all the exhibits. we made full use of them. I think we were in the muesuem for a good 4 hours? good exhibits, good company. it isnt always I can head the museum not alone, (:

Friday, December 5, 2008 @ 3:39 PM

you:
on one hand, you make me damn pissed off. on the other, you make me want to laugh. grr you. I dislike people who have responsibility in the clouds. someone gives you something to do, damnit, do it and dont give everyone else a damn headache. cleaning up after you's a chore you know, tsk!

you:
please, not cute dont act cute. remember what I told you? I can tell if you are acting, so please, just stop it.

I am extremely pissed now, dont blame me if I snap at you.

Thursday, December 4, 2008 @ 11:18 PM

I hate politically correct drones who do dronework with reflections. ok, hate's a strong word. immensely dislike then.

and again, dislike immensely fake people with fake laughter.

enjoyed myself in the morning, heh. and shopping alone's lonely. and I dislike shopping centers and crowds. especially the christmas kind, cause warped version of santaclaus is coming to town plays everywhere. geeez. echo better like what I prepared, else. well. I cant do anything about it.

waiting, it somehow takes away a part of me in the process. wow, at this rate we're going, with you, school, and everything else? I'll become nothing but a shell. geraldine, where?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008 @ 11:35 PM

-deleted-

@ 1:46 PM

we're all searching. searching for that little piece towards a perfect life. we search high and low for it, we argue over it, but ultimately, do we find it?

what's perfection? from different angles, what makes something perfect? everyone thinks everyone else has the perfect life, but where's the line? where's the yardstick?

public approval? titles? further on, salaries? the perfect family?

for a perfectionst, I am still far away from that lofty goal of perfection.

I'm still looking.

protagonist

Geraldine
snow_ball1994@hotmail.com

~~coralite~~
cedarian
~~co-leader~~
~~exco, beloved~~
cedarELDDS;debator
sec3ELfamilyofai!
clique1H'07; 2H'08
Echo 2008 ; the ten of us, plus the four instructors <33

♥

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.