♥ for all that we've done,

Saturday, January 31, 2009 @ 9:36 PM

the next best thing to the instructors today is belay school. didnt think I would have enjoyed it so much, but I did, even after we heard that we didnt do well. belaying is so fun! though I think I appeared slow witted and slightly on the dumb side...infront of all the leaders. what a great laugh, go ahead, take it at my expense.

oh, and I cant even begin on the dumb things that instructors do. it's so amusing when you think back, you just want to laugh. especially the, greet? dont greet? ignore? look at the ceiling? we were supposed to go in depts. ended up I think we went, as instructors more than any dept. that's good!

and to the KFC lunching group: dont worry! we can do it. one last refresher (which I will not be attending, sheesh) we prove to the leaders we are good ok!

ok, back to all the homework and things to do. :)

Friday, January 30, 2009 @ 11:40 PM

friday night, yet another. another school week over.

JG's motion released. dumb, if you ask me. since I cant find any pressing issue to provoke such a motion.

my motion's released!
what's motion?
sort of like the topic you debate about?
really? are you happy? you sound so excited.

conversation from not so long ago. same period of time. I miss those days. I miss you. on and off again, it hurts more than you'll ever know. you wont know, cause I wont show.

go back to work, dont let the tears roll, dont let the heart clench. go on, go on. till one day it is possible to smile at the memories. go on, life rolls, one day to another.

JG's here the cedarians come. we may not break through to semis, but I'll go in, as a sec3, more prepared, more experienced. sharper, better. I will. I will. I wont let you cloud my mind. never. this is my passion. and I will see it through, to the very end.

Thursday, January 29, 2009 @ 10:11 PM

I sometimes wonder if you think we are blind and deaf, brainless and without instincts. better still, do you think we are without feelings? my next year's new year resolution ought not be, dont be angry. since I am rarely angry. next year's new year resolution should go like, be pissed less than once a week.

we are such a small group of people. each and every one of us plays an important role, no? in a group like ours, each of us brings our strengths to make everything better, each of us is there to cover for someone's else weaknesses. why should it be so that we never get along seamlessly without the least bit of friction for at least a month is beyond me. 8 of us, a family. dont ruin it all again. yet, playing peace maker is tiring. and so is holding back annoyance.

everyone seems to be suffering from a certain high degree of stress, especially the people around me. cheerful people look strained, energetic people stone more often, and laughters are no longer as free as before. especially the instructors, I've already heard more than I ought to of people suffering from "burnt out" and OAC hasnt even started. Mind you, BTC hasnt started, hoho. nevermind, we can do it. maybe not as a person, but as a group. and to mtnc: we shall be the best and most efficient dept ever.

and games? you guys are doing great. hang in there, dont lose all your fun-ness k!

for what's fear but cowardice in action?

oh, I am happy today, cause I managed to fall properly, thrice. (:

I should just go and die because I am drowning in hw, motion releases tomorrow, and I am still blogging. I ought to shoot myself.

Monday, January 26, 2009 @ 10:54 PM

sometimes, I cant help but feel that if people start thinking about things abit more, they wouldnt open themselves to being such parody, all on their own. the blogsphere is an ocassionally distrubing place to flit around, and even when I piece things together, I dont know how to tell you. you're making such a big mistake, but even as a friend, I can only stand here and worry silently for you.

friday, OAI meeting with the three OICs after school. it really struck me as a wake up call. was it me, or were there quiet desperation in their eyes? almost as if they were begging us to step up and not disappoint them, not make them wonder if they've made the wrong choice. their tone was quiet, but I would have felt better if they'd just screamed at us for not doing things right. it'd at the very least have lessened that kind of guilt I felt. qualities, they asked for. yet even now I wonder if I have, if I had them, ever since I stepped into cedar.

random thoughts that has been circulating in my head since friday.

weekday without school's oddly relieving. though the price of being cooed over by relatives who happen to be slightly shorter than you and hearing kids blasting at least 4 tvs at one go is a slightly steep price to pay.

Sunday, January 25, 2009 @ 3:27 PM

never thought for a moment that I will feel so lonely all of a sudden. I miss sec2, cause everything's starting to change, whether the change's apparent or not. I suddenly miss 2Hclique and our sick recessess, miss running up to 2N on tuesdays to meet the rest. miss the donuts we had during LJ, arguing over nonsensical stupid things. I miss all the old you's. I really really do.

moving on is not always bad. but it does leave an empty gap, doesnt it?

Saturday, January 24, 2009 @ 10:33 PM

I think thinking is bad. why? cause it evokes unpleasant memories that are from not so long ago. actually, it was only last week. with you guys sometimes, I cannot help but feel that even if I dropped dead in the middle of the classroom, you guys will only realise it the next week, and because you need me for a favour.

anyway, after running around 4 popular, 3 times and 2 kinokuniya in various parts of singapore, I have finally found all 5 pinky notebooks for maintanence. I was so happy when I found the last two, I almost fainted. the cause will probably be heat stroke from walking up and down orchard and escalators in stuffy buildings with new year crowds I totally detest.

whoo. hear my cry of elation.

urgh.

Friday, January 23, 2009 @ 11:18 PM

I strongly suspect that so far, I am the only person in the clique that is not majorly pissed over something. tianqi, leena, hanan, shar, sherilyn, oh, that's alot of pissed people.

change in seating arrangements, hmm. I shall not post what I am thinking online, it's just sensitive.

oh, and no half day for us cedarians today, so I didnt get to drop in at coral. quite saddening.

but little things that people did for me today made me quite happy, despite the heaviness of the mood. a note scribbled in my handbook, a comforting hug, a short sms. little things that seem so insignificant made me smile. thanks ya guys. (:

3S will make it through OAC as one. I dont want us to split up. OAC can make or break a class. let's hope it's the former and not the latter.

fiona's last day today. and I think I screwed third up, sheesh.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 @ 8:51 PM

You really irritated me today, honest. of all ways to have handled today, why did you choose to do things that way? you made me really really peeved at one point of time in the afternoon, I just wanted to pack up and run off. sure, you're a leader, and you're really good, but overconfidence can be a downfall. the inability to look around you and actually look is not good, especially for a leader. screaming does not get things done. if you continue to do things this way, dominating the entire situation, marginalising everyone except us, there's no saying when I may just shove the truth at your face. if things do get to that point, there means I do not treasure, or care about our friendship anymore. I may be just, another, friend to you. but you're precious to me, still are actually. just dont push me into a corner.

peeved, still am. I was so close to starting to bitch. so so close. but no point becoming a bitch just for another bitch, no?

oh, and I enjoyed myself during refreshers! to campfire, first aid and games instructors, good job yea! give yourself a pat on your back. and to orienteering and campcraft or any other depts doing refreshers, jiayou! ( =

Monday, January 19, 2009 @ 11:14 PM

read that post, and my heart throbbed.

ironic. ironic. that the best friends dont ever get to stay together, the most loving couple always splits. that the worst enemies has paths which always crosses.

what did I not know about you?

lord, I pray for courage, resilience and the ability to love those around me. for without them, who knows how long more till my heart goes as cold as stone.

@ 9:10 PM

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are
doing.
1 Thessalonians 4:11 (NKJV)

quiet time verse today. and a sense of unease sets over my heart. forgive and forget, core values. why still do I hold this bitter fist of anger and resentment towards you?

Sunday, January 18, 2009 @ 11:42 PM

at the very persistent prodding of someone who thinks that having not updated for 3days, I deserve the death sentence, here I am.

went to suntec with the debaters yesterday as a send off dinner for fiona. it was sad, seeing joy presenting the box that the sec3s made, knowing that this is probably her last week with us as our debate coach. shall do dedications when I am in a less stone mood.

as a matter of fact, I am in no mood to blog, whatsoever.

pencil parable in church..worship really touched me, I have no idea why as well. imagine crying at a happy high song.

/ I'll be still and know you're god.

Thursday, January 15, 2009 @ 8:41 PM

the way things are going now worry me. I love it too much to let it screw up. I dont want it to screw up when it's our level's turn. where're all the shared visions and happy moments? I wont let the tears burn my eyelid over this. I promise. sorry esther, if I sounded harsh today. it wasnt directed at you, I was just worried about you. forgive me. sorry.

times like this, I really miss the days when companionable silence was shared between the two of us. I miss going home and knowing that my sounding board's around and just being me.

sat on the bench in the park today for at least half an hour. just watching the water flow and letting the silence wrap me around. it was calming, more than anything today.

oh, and I've a notion that I'm gonna be brainwashed into liking pink and toilets soon. the latter aint so bad, but the first? I'm sure it's gonna bring me much amusement (:

and OAIs 09. something tells me that I'll enjoy sharing the journey with them. arguing over the shirt colors amused me to no extent.

on a side note, I'm such a slacker. no one's blogging, save me. shoot me.

ok, homework.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 @ 9:04 PM

you:

it's been snowballing, my distrust, my disappointment. it was really a jab in the system when I first heard. to think I trusted you so, to think I'd put such faith in you. I feel like the fool, with friendship as a veil over her eyes.
why are you jealous when you have so much more? could you not have been happy for me, for the others? am I really to have to put question marks to what you say, all the time?

tolerance for the thing I love. I can, and I will. grit my teeth and move on with the smiles then.

class deco. I thought it would look bimbotic, but it actually looks pretty ok. I still can believe how much time we spent on that runway, azwyn and me. hah, I'm so proud of the two of us. I'll look at that runway sometime when I'm feeling down and smile at all the photowhoring and nonsense that was done today (:

and sorry clique, I had maintainance and echo recess, couldnt join you guys today. really really sorry. ):

aint really in the mood to blog. there's a rock weighing down on my heart and mind.

went home with hanan, and I heard alot of things. things have been clearing up, steadily but surely. turns out half the time the problem isnt what the problem is.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 @ 8:44 PM

cedarians are mostly brainless mindless creatures in the area of social interaction. since what they do, most of the time is gossip and bitch.

magnificent class of 08 really was mag. all my seniors did well, and I swear I could feel the heat building up in the hall even as I sat there. before the results were released, the heat came from the sec4s. after it was released, with all the graphs and whatnots, the heat was emitted from the 08 sec3s, this year sec4s, and of course, us. we'll do well, I'm sure, if we start being total muggers.

store check was surprisingly fun and nice. hmm. everything's neat, tidy and easy to check. another surprising thing, at least for me. I kept holding back laughter, cause the leaders are really amusing. or is it just me?

debate was quite good, high level, but few, urgh-ing points. haha, well mich, cedar can one day be on that kinda stage too. (:

am mad, since I am blogging with hw just beside me.

Sunday, January 11, 2009 @ 7:26 PM

sometimes fatigue doesnt weigh on the physical, but on the mental.

jogging tomorrow, let's see if we can get 3S to cheer. (; I opt to remain optimistic, heh.

Saturday, January 10, 2009 @ 11:57 PM

I've come to realised something. I'm easily amused, and it's easy to tease laughter or easy amusement out of me. good or bad, you decide (:

debate at TJ today, and I hope it was fruitful for the team. sec2s, have you now experienced the real high of a debate? you guys did a fantastic job, serious. watching comps are always good, cause you view things with a clearer mind and it's easier to identify where the debate's gone wrong, what's good and etc etc. (:

oh, and blog space are getting increasingly interesting. hmm. puzzling out is no longer needed, I guess? ought to update links soon, so out of date and guess I ought to get on with all the various neglected hw. (:

Friday, January 9, 2009 @ 11:33 PM

TGIF.

what more can I say? happy birthday esther. we love you, and you are to love the el board we gave you more than the fangirl board. though I know you will kiss that one. (: dont forget that the real breathing ones are just one storey down yea? always be here for you, loves!

school, hmm. fun, in a tiring way. and seeing as I have done nothing physical in the past week, it's a wonder why I am aching from head to toe.

ought to concentrate on researching for sya. but I cant resist blogging about sec1 auditions. one word: Hilarious. hard to imagine I was once like that, but I guess I was. it was oddly fun, and I do not look scary! I keep smiling, sheesh! and part of the fun is the fighting for who you want and having people back you up. debate is love.

and to the various seniors who've asked me that question: I promise you that no matter what happens, I wont ever ever neglect debate. promise.

commitments are called commitments because you commit yourself to them. wont give up, wont neglect anything on the commitment list. none of them. another promise, this time to myself.

Thursday, January 8, 2009 @ 8:58 PM

I just realised, that contary to what I do feel, the first week of school has not been over. surprising. mhm.

jogging's resumed, and I was oddly proud to see cedarians running, class after class, with all the cheers ringing around the air. sight I missed. (: worth the physical, to just have that kinda high.

..tired. really. rawr. oh, and yesh, I realised that we might very well soon be called the birthday humans, cause we seem to be the only clique who's always, blaring out birthday songs in the canteen. two more coming up! and well, there's just more. so many jan babies!

I'm a loser amongst the leaders. the people I call my "clique", who are "closest" to me, people who I hang out with, all are leaders, probably the few of the best in the level.. the people I worked closest with for debate, leaders in every sense. am I only to always be on the potential list? I dont fit in, has always been the case. why then the heaviness in my heart?

wont let whatever the OAI results be break me. once was enough. I know I've failed it, deep down, anyway.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 @ 9:06 PM

from bel's blog:

And then recess, (supposedly clique recess but I had delta stuff *sniff*)

Damn funny also! Haha, Deepa was telling them about Mr Sng and how horny they all are. And 3S also damn horny? Lol. Anyway, when I arrived, I heard Geraldine saying "it means having sex with animals" Then don't know how I heard wrongly, Deep was talking about Lit trip to england, and then I thought she want go England to have sex with animals. HAHA, everyone so horny can.

Damnit, I totally miss those recesses when we we suddenly talk about this kind of stuff (LOL) and then Ger will be the one explaining everything while we make brainless remarks, sheesh.

haha, yes, clique recess today was really like the good ole days. (:
mind you, all these were going on, in loud high pitched excited voices punctuated with laughter, with the head of the PSL board sitting directly infront of us, and a tableful of OALs not too far to our left and in a canteen filled with sec4s. ohmygosh!

by the way bel, we were talking about mr sng's lit's class and bestality appearing on the board. those dodos dont know what's bestality. heh.

life's been tiring though, am utterly exhausted. at these times I really wonder how the sec4s hold up without breaking down every 3days. then again, we are cedarians afterall, no?

anyway, happy birthday joy! and happy belated birthday sya, I hope you like your cake and the cream all over you afterwards. only students eat cake the way student does. without cutting, snatching for chocolates and sticking forks into cake without a care in the world (:

back to chinese. sheesh.

Monday, January 5, 2009 @ 10:17 PM

how long have I been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head

really feels that way sometimes, aint?

@ 5:55 PM

ah, OAI interview today, I think I screwed up quite badly. nervousness ought to take a whack in the head and leave me alone during interviews so I dont do weird things like scratching my right hand constantly under the table. and saying weird, brainless, childish things. grr. nervousness's not a welcomed friend. cause it is corrosive and dissolves all my commonsense. sheesh!

but since it's over... thinking about it will just make me feel like sheeshing even more.

school day's been fine, despite all our moans, groans and whinning about school. physics's gonna be quite an interesting lesson due to our short term memory. someone's favourite teacher will be very sad we've all forgotten about refraction. I actually only remember the diagrams. see how drawing aids your studies, heh. and if nothing changes, I expect history will be my favourite period and chinese the most dreaded.

I feel so free now, free to take a deep breathe ever since they annouced the list, cause really, there aint a way back. and however much I screwed up, I know every sentence was real. (; guess that's just more important to me.

Sunday, January 4, 2009 @ 11:47 PM

raw emotions, people trapped in the same boat. the same, the same. perhaps it's time to consider locking this blog and give up blogging. considerations. a new week in 10mins time, would I enjoy it?

dwelling in my own set of miseries. nothing served, nothing done. how pathethic. geraldine, get a grip. just, get a grip.

Saturday, January 3, 2009 @ 8:04 PM

I dont like the stuff I'm reading on people's blogs. truly, at times ignorance is bliss. I dont like fears becoming realities. I dislike being on the receiving end of bitterness. I dislike being bitter. I dislike cliqueish involvement. I dislike dislike. I really didnt do anything, didnt say anything. Is being careful a crime now?

hate is a strong word, but I really really really dont like you, alot of yous.. somehow I feel like the areas around are just brittle brittle glass. and I'm the careless elephant.

@ 7:50 PM

yes, so school's started, and what the hell. 3S-upermodels has no prefects, so havoc's queen in class. school rules've changed. some for the good, some for the very bad. on the other hand, bad aint so bad after awhile.

I guess I'll keep 08reflections and 09resolutions private. tolerance will definitely be a key for me this year, sheesh.

one thing, in random comment, I'm damn sick of changing myself to suit others. and I'm damn sick of toning down. I've toned down compared to not so long ago, and frankly? if you dont like me, so be it. I'm not your fan either.

here we go again, circles never end.

/ desperate for changing , starving for truth and I cant help but shake my head at pathethic you.

Friday, January 2, 2009 @ 10:49 PM

will be posting less now that school's reopened. truly the time to focus on studies no? let's hope I keep this attitude (:

protagonist

Geraldine
snow_ball1994@hotmail.com

~~coralite~~
cedarian
~~co-leader~~
~~exco, beloved~~
cedarELDDS;debator
sec3ELfamilyofai!
clique1H'07; 2H'08
Echo 2008 ; the ten of us, plus the four instructors <33

♥

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them.