mhms

2009-02-20T20:39:00.001+08:00

I love the OAIs. hoho, instructors are cool people. especially when we fluster and bluster about weird stuff like bandana color. no pink please! so uncool!

mhmg.livejournal.com

will be posting here from now (:

2009-02-19T20:02:00.001+08:00

gradual move to LJ.

2009-02-19T16:23:00.002+08:00

belay school today was, erm, not too good.it IS annoying. honestly. but then again, I saw how nice my leaders are, so I shall stop being so mean. (: and I heard an extrememly amusing description coming from someone I never expected would say it!

lazy afternoon, honestly. I am in no mood to do anything. hoho. ss and hist!

Yes Mam, lesson learnt.

2009-02-18T20:29:00.005+08:00

I saw today how a leader should be. it's hard to admit that you are wrong, and that you are sorry. leader to instructor especially, with the lines and all. I doubt you will ever read this, but you earned my respect. it mustnt have been easy, I doubt it ever would be, but for you to have done that..

thought through the entire matter when I was going for piano. and I straightened out my thoughts. shall take it as a lesson well learnt. MP was only following school SOP, and well, I should have followed the SOP as well, and found out the format properly before submitting it. so it IS my fault. and if I am going to think that she has something against me, well everything is going to look like that, no? it's the mindset that makes the matter. and I am just going to learn learn and learn throughout this journey. and to learn, an open heart is needed. I am going to find it in me, to have an open heart. I will.

studying with leena and mich plus kellie made me laugh, alot. hoho, the retardacy of the afternoon shall be kept in within the four of us, but laughing at ahlian languages in teenage magazines are really amusing. bibiboi! HAHA, god. people actually use such language! michelle and me is going to start a "stop using engrish campaign"!

achoo, zhihui: jiayou k? dont be sad or disappointed or angry. there is still a long way to go before you can say your jobs are done. must jiayou! dont disappoint IA k zhihui? remember our promise and our wooden rings! -bear hug!-

suka: sometimes all it takes it a little push for a class to fall nicely together. not everything can be done by a single person. go go go suka! bring your gayness to your class and make them bond! monitress is not an accidental thing. you can, and so you must. dont be angry, cause anger clouds judgement. -hugs-

ok, ss. I hate my ugly notes!
and I just snapped at TQ. damn it, what is wrong with me today. ):

2009-02-17T20:51:00.002+08:00

I'll do my part as a senior, and my best as a junior.

right now? that's all I can promise.

disappointment. such a bitter pill. what goes around comes round, ______.

2009-02-17T20:11:00.004+08:00

today's a bad day. the kind of day when everyone around you looks unhappy, laughter is scarce and short. the kind of day that makes you wonder when the end of the day will come. even my usual highlight of the week isnt that bright anymore.

debate feels like something I have to do.

I just hate not being able to talk to seniors properly. spoilt I am, used to talking to my seniors on an almost equal level

and I dislike being rolled eyes at when it aint my fault.

I dont feel like worrying if 3S will do fine tomorrow for campfire, and if we will screw up like crap on thursday during belay school.

and here I thought my mind was so tired I am past the stage of caring.

ok, self indulgence in emo-ing is over. we're just gonna face tomorrow with a slightly better mindset, no?

damn it. I think I have been cranky for way too long.

2009-02-16T23:47:00.001+08:00

I love history. and I am having a major headache over a certain case.

2009-02-16T23:00:00.000+08:00

at times I fear I am too harsh with you guys, but at other times I cant help but feel that being harsher might help you guys better.

torn between guilt and hopes on you guys.

2009-02-14T23:34:00.005+08:00

cedar fiesta on vday, I think it was quite a success, judging from the crowds that swelled by the hour. thank god we managed to dunk Mr Chia and I happily got to see Mr Kang got dunked as well. (:

spent most of the day at the woofball area, and it was quite fun, especially towards the end. I wanted to get wet, but not so wet! haha, it was really fun though, and for once, I really felt like I belonged to the OAL board, and was not just another onlooker, hoho. I have crazy leaders who really let loose when they play. hoho.

the haunted house was amusing. was thrown facts like how many people cried and how scary it was, and the suspense was so ripe in the air when we were awaiting our turn. the actual trip didnt turn out to be as scary though, fun as it was to laugh at michkoh screaming and leenalee screaming right along. and hanan's now officially my "haunted" partner, I held her so tight, I was so scared she would go missing! (:

so, happy vday guys! once a year, please do gorge yourself with cookies, chocs and muffins. random note, why dont anyone give pizzas on vday?

and thank you all for all the little notes and chocs yea!

and I look at the stars and wonder if you are looking at them as well, wherever you are.

I remember the last one, and all I can do is sigh softly in my mind.

my expression did not change, but my heart lurched. did you realise when you met my eyes today?

2009-02-13T23:11:00.003+08:00

let's clear things up abit. I do not have a boyfriend. I am single, damn it. now shut up.

this started out with me being mildy amused, now I am annoyed. very very annoyed. thanks people, it's spreading to my parents, and if anything happens to the love of my life namely freedom, heads are gonna roll. take my word for that.

so get it into your thick skulls.

and I am a lousy belayer. ok, I need to change that bit, cause that is not good. things went ok, and thank you lots to those who helped to put up balloons yea! (:

shall go do vday stuff. and I dislike people with maths trying to be good at teaching maths. mr khoo please come back faster.

2009-02-12T22:40:00.001+08:00

it's traumatising to know that we are to be tested on belay skills tomorrow.
and that I am not done with valentine's stuff. and I am still doing ss. and I have no idea how to make my essay longer. hoho.

hoho, indeed.

2009-02-10T23:40:00.003+08:00

you seem so strong, so determined, with the ability to grit the teeth and plow on. yes the word plow is chosen consciously. but even as I admire this ability of yours, and even love you for it, you're worrying me. holding on too tightly can kill a person's spirit. and even as you laugh and joke so much, I see the saddness in your eyes, the strain of your smile. and the way you lapse into silence when you think no one is looking only to brighten up when I, or any other make their presence known by walking nearer to you. I see, and I worry. even as you smile brightly and tell me that you're fine.

you know who you are. and you know I'll always be here for you. I love you, hon. keep going, and never ever break your promise to me. our pact. dont break it, for I dont know what I would do if you did.

2009-02-10T21:28:00.001+08:00

oh and just so I remember the nonsense of it all.

I GOT CAUGHT FOR MY SKIRT DURING SPOT CHECK. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. AND I AM GONNA WHINE FOR AT LEAST 20 HOURS. people like mich koh and tianqi pass, and I fail.

O-M-G. maybe being short sometimes is good. sheeeesh!

and leena got caught for a dirty tie! OHMYGOD. HAHAHA.

2009-02-10T21:10:00.002+08:00

gave cca a miss today, and went vday shopping at PS, where the most embarrassing thing happened. I am going to use my tie to hide my face the next time I see a certain two leaders.

walks into daiso, knowing that leenalee wanted photo frames

G: eh leena! -points at a super duper cute photo frame-
L: eh! how you can you point at a leader? -SUPER LOUDLY-
G: - takes 1 full minute to comprehend and starts denying equally loudly, laughing along with TQ at that cute photoframe, only to look up and see someone who was indeed a leader.- is stunned and lapses into stunned silence
TQ: - still doesnt comprehend and continues laughing, at the photoframe -
L: leena is shocked into silence at our aduacity for supposedly pointing and laughing at a leader, together.
TQ: comprehends a full minute later and lapse into silence as well

all three beat silent retreat into an aisle looking very interestedly at photoframes.
gazes at the cashier 3mins later and heaves sigh of relief, thought they had paid AND left.

hears a minute later,hushed whisper saying: are they stalking us?

am amused and decide to retreat further into the store, hoho.

HAHA, I enjoyed my shopping trip today, despite sore shoulders and aching heads and people making me holding auntie like bags claiming I am an auntie anyway. (:

I love leena and tianqi. ok maybe not love, but yea I actually do. hoho, sounds damn wrong right leenalee?
especially with my newest nickname hoho!

ok, back to vday gifts I should have started on earlier. and leena's right, money never is enough!

2009-02-09T20:42:00.006+08:00

I think mtnc headache is summed up in one word - woofball banner.
no, not that it is extremely difficult to do or anything, but with the crazy schedules of the three instructors that never seem to have an intersection point, working something out is something surely of a headache. but I think we've managed quite well as it is (: all three of us put something into it, even if it doesnt look the nicest. I'm proud of the banner, and I am proud of the three of us. truly, how ever many times I get pissed at little details that just jumps up and whacks your face and makes you scream. let's take a picture with THE mtnc banner. hoho, so bimbotic. badi I hope you are reading this. and jinrong, thank god sometimes you are there, I think we will just die since I cant draw for the love of my life. we shall be the terror of the toilets during oac hoho!

and mirna and gautami makes really great company. let's really go drink aloevera one day and not cheat my feelings and drink ribena k!

ok, back to work, but this time it is with a smile on my face. :)

2009-02-08T21:15:00.003+08:00

was just talking to someone a minute ago. I could hate you for putting her through this. how could you? have you really changed beyond what I know?

2009-02-08T21:08:00.002+08:00

you're so distant now, I dont even know you anymore. it scares me, this change in you.

damn, v'day presents. I dislike shopping. I hate shopping. but I am going to do something nice. and only to a few people who really matters to me. hoho, so if you get anything from me, you ought to know what it means, no?

spate of moodiness, and it really aint any female hormones at work either.

I find church a perfect stage for acting nowadays.

I miss you, even as I know there's someone else you care more about. it's more than one year already. and I still close my eyes when I think of you.

I put my life in your hands lord. beyond all these, comfort me.

2009-02-06T22:07:00.002+08:00

we lost.

I cant help but feel down. I tried my best, but this is not the best that I could have delivered. I could have done better, should have done better. I feel so apologetic towards the team. sorry seniors. sorry reka. sorry joy and jolene, sorry chud and poohja.

tired.

more rounds coming up. ought I speak or back out?

2009-02-04T21:11:00.001+08:00

and we'll walk in the fields with our heads held high, cause aint nobody gonna break our stride. I feel prepared for friday. whoo.

did I make a right choice telling you what I knew? was it cruel, I wonder.

2009-02-03T19:41:00.002+08:00

before I plunge headfirst into the sea of information.

my only thought as I walked home was: even I am going to get slaughtered, I am going to get killed with my head held high. acsi, we're not to be pushed over.

and note to self, pester orienteering and cc to teach me stuff, hoho.

2009-02-02T22:58:00.002+08:00

was blog surffing in between cases, and found most of my birthday dedications (; the sweetest ones are here for futher reference when I want to feel loved (: shall do a proper birthday post when I have breathing space.

from bel low:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERALDINE TAN LE TING♥
aka dugong, dajie, so-much-more-names-I-can-think-of-but-not-too-nice-to-put-it-here :D

Jiayou for OAC2009 Instructor, although I don't want to call you instructor. I want to call you dumbo!
Jiayou for studies, debate, etcetcetcetc. (you have a lot of commitments)
Continue keeping your hamsters alive and, do take care of Leena, Sherilyn, Tianqi, Mardiana well. Haha!
Love you <3

ok, I am super duper lazy to paste more. hoho. (:

2009-02-01T16:50:00.001+08:00

I surrender
Take my fears and inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all

do with it as you will.

2009-01-31T21:36:00.002+08:00

the next best thing to the instructors today is belay school. didnt think I would have enjoyed it so much, but I did, even after we heard that we didnt do well. belaying is so fun! though I think I appeared slow witted and slightly on the dumb side...infront of all the leaders. what a great laugh, go ahead, take it at my expense.

oh, and I cant even begin on the dumb things that instructors do. it's so amusing when you think back, you just want to laugh. especially the, greet? dont greet? ignore? look at the ceiling? we were supposed to go in depts. ended up I think we went, as instructors more than any dept. that's good!

and to the KFC lunching group: dont worry! we can do it. one last refresher (which I will not be attending, sheesh) we prove to the leaders we are good ok!

ok, back to all the homework and things to do. :)

2009-01-30T23:40:00.003+08:00

friday night, yet another. another school week over.

JG's motion released. dumb, if you ask me. since I cant find any pressing issue to provoke such a motion.

my motion's released!
what's motion?
sort of like the topic you debate about?
really? are you happy? you sound so excited.

conversation from not so long ago. same period of time. I miss those days. I miss you. on and off again, it hurts more than you'll ever know. you wont know, cause I wont show.

go back to work, dont let the tears roll, dont let the heart clench. go on, go on. till one day it is possible to smile at the memories. go on, life rolls, one day to another.

JG's here the cedarians come. we may not break through to semis, but I'll go in, as a sec3, more prepared, more experienced. sharper, better. I will. I will. I wont let you cloud my mind. never. this is my passion. and I will see it through, to the very end.

2009-01-29T22:11:00.002+08:00

I sometimes wonder if you think we are blind and deaf, brainless and without instincts. better still, do you think we are without feelings? my next year's new year resolution ought not be, dont be angry. since I am rarely angry. next year's new year resolution should go like, be pissed less than once a week.

we are such a small group of people. each and every one of us plays an important role, no? in a group like ours, each of us brings our strengths to make everything better, each of us is there to cover for someone's else weaknesses. why should it be so that we never get along seamlessly without the least bit of friction for at least a month is beyond me. 8 of us, a family. dont ruin it all again. yet, playing peace maker is tiring. and so is holding back annoyance.

everyone seems to be suffering from a certain high degree of stress, especially the people around me. cheerful people look strained, energetic people stone more often, and laughters are no longer as free as before. especially the instructors, I've already heard more than I ought to of people suffering from "burnt out" and OAC hasnt even started. Mind you, BTC hasnt started, hoho. nevermind, we can do it. maybe not as a person, but as a group. and to mtnc: we shall be the best and most efficient dept ever.

and games? you guys are doing great. hang in there, dont lose all your fun-ness k!

for what's fear but cowardice in action?

oh, I am happy today, cause I managed to fall properly, thrice. (:

I should just go and die because I am drowning in hw, motion releases tomorrow, and I am still blogging. I ought to shoot myself.

2009-01-26T22:54:00.003+08:00

sometimes, I cant help but feel that if people start thinking about things abit more, they wouldnt open themselves to being such parody, all on their own. the blogsphere is an ocassionally distrubing place to flit around, and even when I piece things together, I dont know how to tell you. you're making such a big mistake, but even as a friend, I can only stand here and worry silently for you.

friday, OAI meeting with the three OICs after school. it really struck me as a wake up call. was it me, or were there quiet desperation in their eyes? almost as if they were begging us to step up and not disappoint them, not make them wonder if they've made the wrong choice. their tone was quiet, but I would have felt better if they'd just screamed at us for not doing things right. it'd at the very least have lessened that kind of guilt I felt. qualities, they asked for. yet even now I wonder if I have, if I had them, ever since I stepped into cedar.

random thoughts that has been circulating in my head since friday.

weekday without school's oddly relieving. though the price of being cooed over by relatives who happen to be slightly shorter than you and hearing kids blasting at least 4 tvs at one go is a slightly steep price to pay.

2009-01-25T15:27:00.004+08:00

never thought for a moment that I will feel so lonely all of a sudden. I miss sec2, cause everything's starting to change, whether the change's apparent or not. I suddenly miss 2Hclique and our sick recessess, miss running up to 2N on tuesdays to meet the rest. miss the donuts we had during LJ, arguing over nonsensical stupid things. I miss all the old you's. I really really do.

moving on is not always bad. but it does leave an empty gap, doesnt it?

2009-01-24T22:33:00.003+08:00

I think thinking is bad. why? cause it evokes unpleasant memories that are from not so long ago. actually, it was only last week. with you guys sometimes, I cannot help but feel that even if I dropped dead in the middle of the classroom, you guys will only realise it the next week, and because you need me for a favour.

anyway, after running around 4 popular, 3 times and 2 kinokuniya in various parts of singapore, I have finally found all 5 pinky notebooks for maintanence. I was so happy when I found the last two, I almost fainted. the cause will probably be heat stroke from walking up and down orchard and escalators in stuffy buildings with new year crowds I totally detest.

whoo. hear my cry of elation.

urgh.

2009-01-23T23:18:00.002+08:00

I strongly suspect that so far, I am the only person in the clique that is not majorly pissed over something. tianqi, leena, hanan, shar, sherilyn, oh, that's alot of pissed people.

change in seating arrangements, hmm. I shall not post what I am thinking online, it's just sensitive.

oh, and no half day for us cedarians today, so I didnt get to drop in at coral. quite saddening.

but little things that people did for me today made me quite happy, despite the heaviness of the mood. a note scribbled in my handbook, a comforting hug, a short sms. little things that seem so insignificant made me smile. thanks ya guys. (:

3S will make it through OAC as one. I dont want us to split up. OAC can make or break a class. let's hope it's the former and not the latter.

fiona's last day today. and I think I screwed third up, sheesh.

2009-01-21T20:51:00.003+08:00

You really irritated me today, honest. of all ways to have handled today, why did you choose to do things that way? you made me really really peeved at one point of time in the afternoon, I just wanted to pack up and run off. sure, you're a leader, and you're really good, but overconfidence can be a downfall. the inability to look around you and actually look is not good, especially for a leader. screaming does not get things done. if you continue to do things this way, dominating the entire situation, marginalising everyone except us, there's no saying when I may just shove the truth at your face. if things do get to that point, there means I do not treasure, or care about our friendship anymore. I may be just, another, friend to you. but you're precious to me, still are actually. just dont push me into a corner.

peeved, still am. I was so close to starting to bitch. so so close. but no point becoming a bitch just for another bitch, no?

oh, and I enjoyed myself during refreshers! to campfire, first aid and games instructors, good job yea! give yourself a pat on your back. and to orienteering and campcraft or any other depts doing refreshers, jiayou! ( =

2009-01-19T23:14:00.004+08:00

read that post, and my heart throbbed.

ironic. ironic. that the best friends dont ever get to stay together, the most loving couple always splits. that the worst enemies has paths which always crosses.

what did I not know about you?

lord, I pray for courage, resilience and the ability to love those around me. for without them, who knows how long more till my heart goes as cold as stone.

2009-01-19T21:10:00.002+08:00

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are
doing.
1 Thessalonians 4:11 (NKJV)

quiet time verse today. and a sense of unease sets over my heart. forgive and forget, core values. why still do I hold this bitter fist of anger and resentment towards you?

2009-01-18T23:42:00.003+08:00

at the very persistent prodding of someone who thinks that having not updated for 3days, I deserve the death sentence, here I am.

went to suntec with the debaters yesterday as a send off dinner for fiona. it was sad, seeing joy presenting the box that the sec3s made, knowing that this is probably her last week with us as our debate coach. shall do dedications when I am in a less stone mood.

as a matter of fact, I am in no mood to blog, whatsoever.

pencil parable in church..worship really touched me, I have no idea why as well. imagine crying at a happy high song.

/ I'll be still and know you're god.

2009-01-15T20:41:00.003+08:00

the way things are going now worry me. I love it too much to let it screw up. I dont want it to screw up when it's our level's turn. where're all the shared visions and happy moments? I wont let the tears burn my eyelid over this. I promise. sorry esther, if I sounded harsh today. it wasnt directed at you, I was just worried about you. forgive me. sorry.

times like this, I really miss the days when companionable silence was shared between the two of us. I miss going home and knowing that my sounding board's around and just being me.

sat on the bench in the park today for at least half an hour. just watching the water flow and letting the silence wrap me around. it was calming, more than anything today.

oh, and I've a notion that I'm gonna be brainwashed into liking pink and toilets soon. the latter aint so bad, but the first? I'm sure it's gonna bring me much amusement (:

and OAIs 09. something tells me that I'll enjoy sharing the journey with them. arguing over the shirt colors amused me to no extent.

on a side note, I'm such a slacker. no one's blogging, save me. shoot me.

ok, homework.

2009-01-14T21:04:00.002+08:00

you:

it's been snowballing, my distrust, my disappointment. it was really a jab in the system when I first heard. to think I trusted you so, to think I'd put such faith in you. I feel like the fool, with friendship as a veil over her eyes.
why are you jealous when you have so much more? could you not have been happy for me, for the others? am I really to have to put question marks to what you say, all the time?

tolerance for the thing I love. I can, and I will. grit my teeth and move on with the smiles then.

class deco. I thought it would look bimbotic, but it actually looks pretty ok. I still can believe how much time we spent on that runway, azwyn and me. hah, I'm so proud of the two of us. I'll look at that runway sometime when I'm feeling down and smile at all the photowhoring and nonsense that was done today (:

and sorry clique, I had maintainance and echo recess, couldnt join you guys today. really really sorry. ):

aint really in the mood to blog. there's a rock weighing down on my heart and mind.

went home with hanan, and I heard alot of things. things have been clearing up, steadily but surely. turns out half the time the problem isnt what the problem is.

2009-01-13T20:44:00.002+08:00

cedarians are mostly brainless mindless creatures in the area of social interaction. since what they do, most of the time is gossip and bitch.

magnificent class of 08 really was mag. all my seniors did well, and I swear I could feel the heat building up in the hall even as I sat there. before the results were released, the heat came from the sec4s. after it was released, with all the graphs and whatnots, the heat was emitted from the 08 sec3s, this year sec4s, and of course, us. we'll do well, I'm sure, if we start being total muggers.

store check was surprisingly fun and nice. hmm. everything's neat, tidy and easy to check. another surprising thing, at least for me. I kept holding back laughter, cause the leaders are really amusing. or is it just me?

debate was quite good, high level, but few, urgh-ing points. haha, well mich, cedar can one day be on that kinda stage too. (:

am mad, since I am blogging with hw just beside me.

2009-01-11T19:26:00.002+08:00

sometimes fatigue doesnt weigh on the physical, but on the mental.

jogging tomorrow, let's see if we can get 3S to cheer. (; I opt to remain optimistic, heh.

2009-01-10T23:57:00.002+08:00

I've come to realised something. I'm easily amused, and it's easy to tease laughter or easy amusement out of me. good or bad, you decide (:

debate at TJ today, and I hope it was fruitful for the team. sec2s, have you now experienced the real high of a debate? you guys did a fantastic job, serious. watching comps are always good, cause you view things with a clearer mind and it's easier to identify where the debate's gone wrong, what's good and etc etc. (:

oh, and blog space are getting increasingly interesting. hmm. puzzling out is no longer needed, I guess? ought to update links soon, so out of date and guess I ought to get on with all the various neglected hw. (:

2009-01-09T23:33:00.002+08:00

TGIF.

what more can I say? happy birthday esther. we love you, and you are to love the el board we gave you more than the fangirl board. though I know you will kiss that one. (: dont forget that the real breathing ones are just one storey down yea? always be here for you, loves!

school, hmm. fun, in a tiring way. and seeing as I have done nothing physical in the past week, it's a wonder why I am aching from head to toe.

ought to concentrate on researching for sya. but I cant resist blogging about sec1 auditions. one word: Hilarious. hard to imagine I was once like that, but I guess I was. it was oddly fun, and I do not look scary! I keep smiling, sheesh! and part of the fun is the fighting for who you want and having people back you up. debate is love.

and to the various seniors who've asked me that question: I promise you that no matter what happens, I wont ever ever neglect debate. promise.

commitments are called commitments because you commit yourself to them. wont give up, wont neglect anything on the commitment list. none of them. another promise, this time to myself.

2009-01-08T20:58:00.002+08:00

I just realised, that contary to what I do feel, the first week of school has not been over. surprising. mhm.

jogging's resumed, and I was oddly proud to see cedarians running, class after class, with all the cheers ringing around the air. sight I missed. (: worth the physical, to just have that kinda high.

..tired. really. rawr. oh, and yesh, I realised that we might very well soon be called the birthday humans, cause we seem to be the only clique who's always, blaring out birthday songs in the canteen. two more coming up! and well, there's just more. so many jan babies!

I'm a loser amongst the leaders. the people I call my "clique", who are "closest" to me, people who I hang out with, all are leaders, probably the few of the best in the level.. the people I worked closest with for debate, leaders in every sense. am I only to always be on the potential list? I dont fit in, has always been the case. why then the heaviness in my heart?

wont let whatever the OAI results be break me. once was enough. I know I've failed it, deep down, anyway.

2009-01-07T21:06:00.002+08:00

from bel's blog:

And then recess, (supposedly clique recess but I had delta stuff *sniff*)

Damn funny also! Haha, Deepa was telling them about Mr Sng and how horny they all are. And 3S also damn horny? Lol. Anyway, when I arrived, I heard Geraldine saying "it means having sex with animals" Then don't know how I heard wrongly, Deep was talking about Lit trip to england, and then I thought she want go England to have sex with animals. HAHA, everyone so horny can.

Damnit, I totally miss those recesses when we we suddenly talk about this kind of stuff (LOL) and then Ger will be the one explaining everything while we make brainless remarks, sheesh.

haha, yes, clique recess today was really like the good ole days. (:
mind you, all these were going on, in loud high pitched excited voices punctuated with laughter, with the head of the PSL board sitting directly infront of us, and a tableful of OALs not too far to our left and in a canteen filled with sec4s. ohmygosh!

by the way bel, we were talking about mr sng's lit's class and bestality appearing on the board. those dodos dont know what's bestality. heh.

life's been tiring though, am utterly exhausted. at these times I really wonder how the sec4s hold up without breaking down every 3days. then again, we are cedarians afterall, no?

anyway, happy birthday joy! and happy belated birthday sya, I hope you like your cake and the cream all over you afterwards. only students eat cake the way student does. without cutting, snatching for chocolates and sticking forks into cake without a care in the world (:

back to chinese. sheesh.

2009-01-05T22:17:00.011+08:00

how long have I been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head

really feels that way sometimes, aint?

2009-01-05T17:55:00.003+08:00

ah, OAI interview today, I think I screwed up quite badly. nervousness ought to take a whack in the head and leave me alone during interviews so I dont do weird things like scratching my right hand constantly under the table. and saying weird, brainless, childish things. grr. nervousness's not a welcomed friend. cause it is corrosive and dissolves all my commonsense. sheesh!

but since it's over... thinking about it will just make me feel like sheeshing even more.

school day's been fine, despite all our moans, groans and whinning about school. physics's gonna be quite an interesting lesson due to our short term memory. someone's favourite teacher will be very sad we've all forgotten about refraction. I actually only remember the diagrams. see how drawing aids your studies, heh. and if nothing changes, I expect history will be my favourite period and chinese the most dreaded.

I feel so free now, free to take a deep breathe ever since they annouced the list, cause really, there aint a way back. and however much I screwed up, I know every sentence was real. (; guess that's just more important to me.

2009-01-04T23:47:00.002+08:00

raw emotions, people trapped in the same boat. the same, the same. perhaps it's time to consider locking this blog and give up blogging. considerations. a new week in 10mins time, would I enjoy it?

dwelling in my own set of miseries. nothing served, nothing done. how pathethic. geraldine, get a grip. just, get a grip.

2009-01-03T20:04:00.003+08:00

I dont like the stuff I'm reading on people's blogs. truly, at times ignorance is bliss. I dont like fears becoming realities. I dislike being on the receiving end of bitterness. I dislike being bitter. I dislike cliqueish involvement. I dislike dislike. I really didnt do anything, didnt say anything. Is being careful a crime now?

hate is a strong word, but I really really really dont like you, alot of yous.. somehow I feel like the areas around are just brittle brittle glass. and I'm the careless elephant.

2009-01-03T19:50:00.004+08:00

yes, so school's started, and what the hell. 3S-upermodels has no prefects, so havoc's queen in class. school rules've changed. some for the good, some for the very bad. on the other hand, bad aint so bad after awhile.

I guess I'll keep 08reflections and 09resolutions private. tolerance will definitely be a key for me this year, sheesh.

one thing, in random comment, I'm damn sick of changing myself to suit others. and I'm damn sick of toning down. I've toned down compared to not so long ago, and frankly? if you dont like me, so be it. I'm not your fan either.

here we go again, circles never end.

/ desperate for changing , starving for truth and I cant help but shake my head at pathethic you.

2009-01-02T22:49:00.000+08:00

will be posting less now that school's reopened. truly the time to focus on studies no? let's hope I keep this attitude (:

2008-12-31T13:29:00.004+08:00

it's gonna be a new year, but nothing feels right for me. gonna meet esther for recess on the first day of school. time to clear things up. why doesnt it feel right for me? why everything I thought was fine isnt?

it's a new year, but surely old mistakes catch up. even mistakes you didnt know were there. I've been changing, more than you guys know. and it's tiring. it really is. I just want to be, well, me. is it so hard, to be me, for me?

new year, without the rose tinted glasses. not so new a start, is it?

& dread's weighing down. but face it I must. I must, I should, I will.

...but if nothing changes, is there still a point?

2008-12-30T20:06:00.005+08:00

on leena's blog: the grass is greener on the other side, but we're still sharing the same sky.

the same sentiments, all around. must it be that behind every smile and laughter, there're always tears and pain?

time's supposed to heal all wounds...when?

Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.
I'm goin' back to the start

2008-12-30T14:05:00.003+08:00

been tidying up the debate notebook and was doing research on homosexuality before becoming extremely annoyed at arguments online. It's difficult for me to read much of the debate over homosexuality without becoming annoyed at both sides, despite the fact that one of the sides is "my" side. And it's not just the extremists throwing used condoms at priests on the left or picketing funerals on the right.

For the traditional family camp:

If you're really that worried about marriage, why aren't you launching anti-adultery campaigns too? How much more prevalent is that?
How about some "continuity of marriage" campaigns to drop the divorce rate, if marriage is your big issue?
If the thought of what two men might be doing creeps you out, could you kindly just count to ten before you say something? "Eeeww" isn't the most persuasive argument in the world.
Come on now, all the anti-homosexual rhetoric: aren't you just glad you've finally found a sexual sin that you *aren't* tempted to? Do you pick on that one because it's the only one you feel you can speak against without being a hypocrite?

For the homosexual legitimization camp:

Would you kindly drop the sanctimonious routine where you lecture other people about the morality of love? "Sanctimonious" never comes across well, even from those with impeccable moral credentials.
Would you please not argue from Scriptures supporting agape-love and press them into service to support erotic love? It does not impress people with your deep understanding of Scripture.
Please don't resort to demonizing people who hold a more conservative view of Scripture. Especially right after you just gave a lecture about how much more Christ-like and loving you are than those evil morons who disagree with you.
If you reject certain Scriptures just say so. Can we skip playing the shell-game with words till the meaning of the verses gets lost in the shuffle? That approach just doesn't impress people with its forthrightness.

typically annoyed at useless articles online.

2008-12-29T22:13:00.003+08:00

debate today, school.

sec1s were having their orientation, and debaters were in the canteen. I suppose the leaders had too much spare time on their hands, and thus, made them cheer. duh, typicality. so, much to our amusement, cedar solid became slow like crap, cedar revolution couldnt hear anything, they sing row row row your boats before meals, and well, they do COALs cheers. grr them.

I could almost forget what it was like to wear high waisted long skirts. ohnevermind, these little ones will all have short skirts 6months down the road. stop looking like aliens, at least.

and I saw familiar faces! heh, I missed them, lots.

and to those PCs and PSLs who look like they're gonna give up the tedious job of breathing and die flat on the floor when I saw you today, jiayou! and keep going! turn those weirdos into trueblue cedarians yea! especially hananthaha! jiayou OIC! dont die yet, I want to tease you when school reopens! -bear hug!-

2008-12-29T00:15:00.000+08:00

ANIMOLOGY: What Animal Are You? Your Result: Red Jaguar You're a very big kitty! You're very fast, but can be easily tricked. Insecurity causes your very sharp senses to fool you and easily get caught in your actions. Your Soul Mate is the Tan Giraffe. In conflict with the Teal Cat.
Silver and Red Wolf
Blue Fox
Gold Falcon
Ocre and Gray Dolphin
Teal Cat
Yellow Trout
Tan Giraffe
ANIMOLOGY: What Animal Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

miaow?

2008-12-28T23:26:00.002+08:00

yes, I am back on comforting singapore soil where I know that traffic lights are dependable and local fare need not consist of asam or coconut milk. trust me, lactose intolerant people do not like coconut milk, cause it makes them feel bad and puke every single thing they eat. sounds anorexic ya?

anyway, it's been fun. then again, spending time with the family's always fun (: cause we do random things, say random stuff and walk around the entire day.

got stuff for people who matters to me (:

I'm tired.

2008-12-25T20:11:00.001+08:00

I read this on onion's blog and found it sweet.

When two people who are truly in love are facing separation, real love will show. He was told to count to ten while walking away from her, without looking back at all. And if they were really in love, his love would not allow him to leave. After saying goodbye, he bit his lips, and began walking. He counted.
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9..
10.

As he handed his passport to the customs officer, he glanced back.She was already gone. Refusing to believe that she had not stopped him, he began to cry.

The second time he believed he fell in love, He told himself it's gonna be different. When he was leaving abroad again. He told his new found love about counting to ten. and this time they did it. together.

He started.
1
She started.
2
they took turns.
3
4
5
6
7
8
9...
As the girl was about to say 10,he put his finger across her lips, said 'i love you' beside her ear and began walking away. After taking 5 steps, he felt a familiar embrace around his waist.

Don't go

And it was just the voice he wanted to hear. That belonged to hers only.

I guess I'll never find true love then. cause everytime I make an escape, no one really notices. all the good being there has ever done, I guess.

2008-12-25T15:56:00.003+08:00

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for all the things you guys did for me k? and those who sent it via email, thanks lots! I really treasure every single one of them, no matter it be a card or a handpicked present (;

christmas eve wasnt very exciting or particularly fun, but stealing food from the buffet table when you are supposed to be serving is quite amusing, especially when no one really minds. the chior did a really great job! and I felt like a proud parent sitting at the gallery looking down at you guys (:

k, so much for christmas. there really isnt much of an atmosphere.

2008-12-23T15:15:00.003+08:00

-deleted-

I have a sudden craving for good chicken bryani and teh tarik (: christmas presents. and I'm still wavering if I should give you one.

2008-12-23T01:01:00.004+08:00

fun filled day, though it leaves me quite tired at the end of it all, it's the kind of fatigue that still makes you want to smile.

debate. rawr. argh. sheesh. gahh. I'm rusty. very very rusty. didnt do very well, though ironmanning's really quite an experience. has the disjointed effect of making you feel disorientated in the midst of the debate, cause you dont really know which speaker role you have to adhere to. anyway, for the TJ U-16 team, goodluck and jiayou with prep ya? and for the budget debates, hohoho, I guess we'll do fine. next year's going to be packed, and exciting. (:

churchies bbq was rather fun, but since I'm tired and well, bbq are always the same no matter if you have it with a two legged chicken or four legged cow, I shall collect my printed materials and hop to bed. (:

/ you know you're making me quite worried? when will a clean cut ever be in place?

2008-12-22T01:05:00.002+08:00

when you have much to say, and no way to phrase it, you dont blog. (: no?

and with regards to the previous post, you wouldnt know. heh

meanwhile, I'll luxricate in the presence of female fantasies and bimboness. in a room filled with the smell of alcohol, guess from where?

2008-12-19T18:59:00.001+08:00

I tagged along this morning when my younger brother reported to his new school, where I suppose my family will have to start accepting that he is growing up and give him the time and space in which he does?

it was hard to look at his excitement and not think back two years ago. I entered cedar with many a dreams, many a wishes, much optimism. some fufiled in the two short years I've entered, many others not. I've laughed, brooded, cried, comforted, been comforted by my friends, learnt, be awed by my seniors.

before I went for church camp, I was being told something, and I had to make a choice. my mind flitted between alot of things. alot of statements my seniors made. and I decided to go for it, against many's warnings and my own apprenhension. we'll just see how it goes when school reopens.

I'm no longer a 13 year old with bright shinning eyes waiting to be welcomed in the cedar family. but I'll try my best to not let the shinning be replaced by a dullness.

2008-12-18T15:05:00.006+08:00

http://www.ipersonic.com/type/DR.html; you judge if the results are true

You are a Determined Realist

Determined Realists like to bear responsibility and welcome challenges. They are stable, reliable persons. External contacts are very important to them; they mix well and are very active. They are excellent organisers and are very happy when things are done correctly and punctually; they can quickly react impatiently if others are not as conscientious, orderly and dutiful as they are. They prefer structured work which produces visible results quickly to abstract, long-drawn-out processes. Once they have committed themselves to a cause they do this with dedication and are willing to make considerable sacrifices for it.

Determined Realists do not avoid conflicts and criticism but face up to them and look for solutions. As they have a keen eye for the errors and shortcomings of others and are often quick at expressing criticism, they sometimes rub people up the wrong way especially when they lose their temper and jump to conclusions. Due to their marked sense of justice they are quickly willing to correct themselves and never take offence if someone speaks to them frankly. You do not have to seek hidden motives with them; you always know where you are. Determined Realists are often found in executive positions as they combine commitment, competence and the ability to assert themselves. In their spare time, they often also accept responsibility in clubs and other institutions. This does not mean that you want to be particularly dominating; you just have a pretty good notion of how things are supposed to work, and you just implement them without hesitation.

Your personality type belongs to the most loyal and most faithful types. Even though you are able to fall in love head over heels if the stars are properly aligned, recklessness in dealing with your feelings, and those of others, is totally foreign to you. A relationship is a very important obligation for you. You take it very seriously, and give it a very important place in your life. Security, responsibility, and stability are very important to you, and you strive for a permanent personal relationship. Once you make a promise, one can be sure that you’ll do everything in your power to keep it, and this especially applies to matters of love. Unfaithfulness and flightiness are going to hurt you more than most other types.

mhm.

2008-12-18T14:14:00.005+08:00

so, SF camp's over, and all in all, I think it went quite alright? this is of course, from the very biased source, since the author's a programmer, heh heh.

I was quite dreading it at first, cause things werent running so smoothly and I just couldnt be hyped up enough to go and dedicate any more time or help out. things went fine in the end.

admist all the running up and down, hunting for masking tapes, going "what!" at unclear instructions, leading games, briefings, rushed lunches, hunting for missing people, late night debriefs and programmers meetings and uncomfortable sleeping positions, I really enjoyed myself. especially on the last night, at the auditorium, heh. widespread chaos ought to be a suitable enough word to describe what went on huh?

presenting the programmers (PROs); though I look hideous

SF comm: a big thank you to all of you guys! I am absolutely sure that camp wouldnt have been half as crazy or fun without all of you in it. special thanks to Logistics for all putting up with us pros hunting for materials all the time and making you guys run up and down cause we are lazy pigs. F&B, goodjob with feeding all of us and cleaning up after us in the kitchen ya? Publicity, you seriously rocked the camp booklet, who knows what we might have screwed it with our limited abilities in the art arena. worship, I think you guys were the only ones who really didnt screw up in any way ya? Lydia, you're the best campchair ya? thank you so much for everything, I think there will be no camp without you around to push us. and now that everything's over, take a breath and rest. (:

Pros!: ohman, I think I am seeing you guys wayyyy to much for my own mental well being. so, this is a huge hug and thank you for everything ya? getting dirty together, getting sore throats, stressing up, cleaning up, and the late nights together. I wont ever forget hearing SK screaming at ghosts and white figures and what not. (:

Agape!:haha, sorry guys I didnt really get to spend much time with you guys during the camp ya? you guys did great anyway, dont care about the scores and stuff, cause you people could really have scored better if you guys played it a little dirtier. what to do? cause we're nice people, no? anyway, admist everything else, I enjoyed laughing at you guys, and am proud to be part of you guys (:

oh, and to those who wrote notes to me, thanks for taking the effort yea? It really made me smile. (:

2008-12-13T13:16:00.004+08:00

why cant the world be like a drama serial, where everything ends happily ever after, the end?

and something tugs deep in my belly.

and you: please stop probbing, I would have told you long ago if I thought you could or should know. just leave it as it is. no point. you wouldnt read anything on my face, so leave the thoughts in my head where they are, k?

debate, here I come. defence budgets.

2008-12-12T20:28:00.004+08:00

wrapping up stuff here and there throughout the entire day, since, surprise surprise, the holidays are ending soon.

y'know, recently there was an advertisment on how you are going to spend the last day and the last second on the day of 2008. something about countdowns I think. I am going to spend it dreading sec3. none of the excitement at the end of sec1.

another step in life. another milestone. why do I dread it? I dont know.

recently received a card which rolled my xmas greetings and letter into one. it made me smile for a moment, and then I started brooding again.

I have fantastic seniors. they are almost perfect. be it acedemic wise, debate wise or leadership wise. and there's a kind of pressure, to be as good as them. if not for myself, for my juniors? they gave me alot. they taught me lessons not found in books. but I cant.

I wont ever be that kind of senior to my juniors. which may explain why I have a sudden feeling to draw back, to just blend into the background. it'd be easy. it'd be easy to cant be bothered. to just live the way I want to. so tempting.

yet, I have to live up to it.

sec3 is going to be a hard year, no?

2008-12-12T00:45:00.002+08:00

I was doing alot of photo editing, water babies growing and arranging, cutting, pasting, painting, and what not today. then when I was editing this photo of echo having alot of fun at kallang kfc, it somehow put a smile on my face. since my bro came in and went out screaming to my mom that his sister was smiling at the comp and going insane.

then this song was playing on my comp. a chinese song, but translated, it went along the lines of, friends come and leave, friends come and leave. where's my resting place, with all the lies and treachery in this world?

and it struck me that yeah, all the friends I've made in cedar will one day leave me. maybe one day, when I am successful, I may meet them. maybe one day, when I become a homeless soul, I may meet them. but when? will we stay in contact forever? what I treasure now, will they become just drips drops in the sea of my mind?

I'm a pretty cool and heartless person. but even then, this frightens me. because I know, when we say we'll never forget, we'll always treasure, always remember, we wont. that's just the human brain. it wont.

there's a line that goes, if everyone cared and no one cried, then no one will die. then again, does it always works that way?

some food for thought (:

2008-12-10T13:53:00.005+08:00

I havent done this since forever.

tag replies:

tp: heyo back. eh, dont try to make me feel guilty, phrase until like that. soon soon k!

tianqi: haha, another one. busy girl, remember to do holiday homework inbetween all your camps! where got so many thing happen? my life is stagnant.

hanan: do I expect anything else, seriously.

tianqi: yes, as soon as I get my church camp over and have more time on my hands. (:

tp: your TP is happy every single day!

leena: haha, but IA wouldnt be reading our blogs so long after coals's over..right? haha, and yes she would, cause she aint dumb.

oniontho: your mom is still schooling, and the lawyer ambition is still a far far away thing. not cheem lah, simple english only.

isabel: haha, you didnt see that exhibit whatttt. and why do you identify with the most depressing paras!

tianqi: then you still type out in full view! I dont think so, coals pass too long for them to be glued to our blogs alrdy. and I am generally unknown in coals, so no risk for me, heh.

hanan: look who's talking! haha.

mar: haha, really? you didnt see that exhibit lahhhhhhh. haha, clique outing, coming right up!

onion: I will smack you if you say that again!

zh: hey there!

leena: later isabel reads this, you die.

onion: if that part is still cheem, you better go back to primary school alrdy! haha, gahh, I miss you all! and I want bao bao!

2008-12-10T13:32:00.002+08:00

haha, terror upon horrors. I saw carislau and hongxun for 4days in a row. any wonder I am becoming abit crazy and cog-ny or something. haha, go hongkong bring back all the horniness only. silly people. gahh.

I've been bored at home. assumingly, chem, english, maths and chinese isnt at all entertaining. oh, blog surfing has just given me an inkling of what to expect next year in class. speaking of which, I am crossing my fingers and hoping that we dont get split up. insanity will be quite rampant though, if things keep up as it is. one thing for sure, we'll be quite the cliqueey class.

gahh, have I ever expressed my profound desire that I am english or something? hear the resentment. this is the cheem version.

WHY MY MOM CANT BE AN ENGLISH TUTOR INSTEAD? rawr. this is the uncheem one.

k, driven by boredom past the borders of insanity.

2008-12-06T23:19:00.004+08:00

I doubt any but those who have seen the exhibit named doubleness, will understand this post.

in most of the pictures, there seemed to be a common theme, desperation. in the subject's eyes, in the way they move, in the way they carry themselves. especially for the chain, the way I interepreted it.

what happens in that particular area, is that two insane people are chained together. one of the pair will be slightly more sane than the other, and this would be the "leader" of the pair. they'll be chained together, around the stomach, throughout the day, only in sleep are they unchained from each other and chained to their own bedpost.

imagine, if every morning, you are woken up, unchained, only to be chained again. the cycle repeats day after day, day after day. if you knew what was happening, how would you feel? desperation. loneliness. you're being forced into this place, this place with no medication, no cure, no way to help yourself. you exist as a pair, exist as a number perhaps, a statistic. no identity, that's for sure. who takes a mad person seriously?

chinatown, didnt hit me so hard. but loneliness, and that sense of endless waiting. someone once told me she hated to wait for people, cause it is a utter waste of time. I can understand. but for them, the waiting is endless. you never know when you'll see your partner again. on the board, one sentence really hit me. " they lead double lives. married, but single. has children, but childless. together, yet apart" they have firework celebrations to thank the gods when they're allowed to move to the US. is this the hidden side of newyork? a capitalist, successful city where machines whirl?

double happiness. double desperation. vacant empty eyes, a wedding without love. mass wedding at that. people have to be taught how to place their hands on their partner's shoulders and waist. women like produces, things to be bought, traded. how's that fair? how how how is that fair? people spend millions on the perfect wedding, and these people, they dont even get to choose who they marry? poverty? who would do this willingly?

is it just me? or is this world, an unjust, stupid, pathethic place?

think of it. we're chained to the secular world. are these, then, the real faces of the world?

somehow, an unbrearable saddness weighs down my mind. and I cant seem to get these images out of my head. what the photographer did, for me, was to put a face, to these phenomenons I've heard of. he made it real.

2008-12-06T21:20:00.002+08:00

debate at SMU today. I've missed my debate sessions, COALs made me miss the last two sessions.

I love the debaters. why? cause they are a bunch of insanely mad people who are oddly sane at the times when it matters most.

interesting session with discussions on obama. hmm, I shall just think about it. though there are alot of ifs, hows. I shall leave my answers to google. failed attempt to queue for icecream at the fest. rainy day, ouch. short true or dare session, hmm. the weird questions they ask.

then me and estee went to the national mueseum, where we were quite tickled. we expected to pay 5bucks to get into one of the photography exhibits. ended up both of us were given complimentary tickets to all the exhibits. we made full use of them. I think we were in the muesuem for a good 4 hours? good exhibits, good company. it isnt always I can head the museum not alone, (:

2008-12-05T15:39:00.002+08:00

you:
on one hand, you make me damn pissed off. on the other, you make me want to laugh. grr you. I dislike people who have responsibility in the clouds. someone gives you something to do, damnit, do it and dont give everyone else a damn headache. cleaning up after you's a chore you know, tsk!

you:
please, not cute dont act cute. remember what I told you? I can tell if you are acting, so please, just stop it.

I am extremely pissed now, dont blame me if I snap at you.

2008-12-04T23:18:00.003+08:00

I hate politically correct drones who do dronework with reflections. ok, hate's a strong word. immensely dislike then.

and again, dislike immensely fake people with fake laughter.

enjoyed myself in the morning, heh. and shopping alone's lonely. and I dislike shopping centers and crowds. especially the christmas kind, cause warped version of santaclaus is coming to town plays everywhere. geeez. echo better like what I prepared, else. well. I cant do anything about it.

waiting, it somehow takes away a part of me in the process. wow, at this rate we're going, with you, school, and everything else? I'll become nothing but a shell. geraldine, where?

2008-12-02T23:35:00.002+08:00

-deleted-

2008-12-02T13:46:00.003+08:00

we're all searching. searching for that little piece towards a perfect life. we search high and low for it, we argue over it, but ultimately, do we find it?

what's perfection? from different angles, what makes something perfect? everyone thinks everyone else has the perfect life, but where's the line? where's the yardstick?

public approval? titles? further on, salaries? the perfect family?

for a perfectionst, I am still far away from that lofty goal of perfection.

I'm still looking.

2008-11-30T18:16:00.005+08:00

it must have been hard on you today; to listen to us talk like that. I read the embarrassment and anger in your eyes. but there was nothing I could do. it's always like that. less than a dozen sentences between us. I'll look at the twilight, and miss you so. I've moved on, but comfort's such a scarce commodity these days.

oh, and did I add that I'm really tired these days? I fell asleep during sermon, how embarrassing. nevermind, at least I was at the back. guitar makes my fingers hurt. but it's ok, I've taken it up,so I'll see it through.

the heat's building for SF camp now. SF camp comm 2008, I'm sure nothing bad will go wrong. however, sometimes a bit of brains before sputtering comments will be much appreciated.

I realised that along with everyone else, it's easy to take forgranted what's just in front of you.

for now, my banging head and sore throat calls for me to do something that doesnt invovle brains. quite bad of me, no? I'm still half done with COALs reflections. geez.

2008-11-30T00:27:00.001+08:00

It's so hard for me to lock you out, but do it I must. once's enough. you wont ever know how I feel, cause I will never let you know. gosh, I miss you. but letting you know, will not be wise. so I wont. it hurts, it stings. it really does.

2008-11-29T10:33:00.003+08:00

this is my third, and it shall be the last about coals. I am serious. it's time for us to move on. times were tiring, unbearably sad, and sweet. but we're all leaders, and we need to move forward. echo, this sounds heartless, but, it's time to swipe tears away, and move on. memories will remain forever, but dont cry.

our ring meant two things. that we were unique, and that we were bonded.
the card that instructor alicia and amanda gave us, had a sun infront, cause we were their sunshine
the boxes of chocolates that were given to us by our instructors,
the words,
the hugs,
the encouragement,
the support,

these were their gifts to us, the tangible ones.

more than anything, the thought behind all of them can make me tear at a thought.

they put thought into all the gifts they gave to us. our first bar of time out was to tell us that time was precious. the ring was to help us learn a lesson. the card wasnt titled, camper. names were painstakingly typed out. the sun was cut out, the card had to be cut out. it mustnt have been an easy job.

they must have been tired during the camp. we must have disappointed them, but they never ever gave up on us. they motivated us, time and again. when they scolded us, it was for us. for us to learn. when they were tired, it must have been hard to encourage when you wanted to grouch. but they did it.

the biggest gift that instructors gave to us, were themselves. live, walking examples, of leadership in action.

2008-11-27T11:37:00.008+08:00

I had a nightmare last night.

I was on the high e's again, but this time, there was no encouragement coming
from below. but this time, no one bothered to tell me to move on. I was high up
but the hostility was clear. The belayer was pissed, the anchor man was happily
talking to the backup belayer, laughing at the fool I was. I was scared. I started to cry
and it somehow triggered an asthma attack. I couldnt breathe, but no one noticed. I
didnt dare say, so I just tried to sit down on the steel string. I lost my footing.

I woke up and sat down there for a long time, letting the tears flow. I owe so much to Instructor Caroline, My belay team, Echo 1, My games team, Instructor Alicia, the teachers. Way up there, they really kept me going. kept me from just saying ''falling", from just giving up. I owe them so much, so much. It might not really be anything, but it really meant so much. so much.

They gave me the precious gift of support.

2008-11-26T21:17:00.015+08:00

so, it's out from camp and back into civilisation. oh, two interesting things about camps that I crystallised in my head. one, anyone realised that a good camp always seems to draw you away from civilisation and the"outside" world? and two, I somehow find it oddly amusing that as much as campers like to boast to other campers what their instructor's done for them, the instructors do it too. dont get me wrong, I do it too. but it is just so amusing. (:

the night before coals was spent with the debate seniors. oddly enough, debate outing turned out to be 3 people. just as well. we ate fish and co., watched mamamia at estee's, where I had as much fun laughing at Joy's various expressions as I had at the show. casual chitchats, nothing to chiong, and what more can I say? I love my seniors, and I like conversations with estee. my going home senior. enjoy your post Os hols!

coals. I hope no instructors find this, but that's too much to wish for, and I really am too much of a pig to change IP add or lock it up. so. ohwells.

last night was literally, the last night.

it felt sad sitting down at breakfast this morning and listening people rush each other out of the dorms.

it felt sad not being scolded at mass debriefs, to hear the instructors tell us that we were their sunshines.

it felt sad doing mass billybanjah, thousand legged worm, for the last time, as the very special bunch of 08 campers. to sing linger again and again, to sing you're not alone, to sing doing that thing with you, to cry and sing at the same time.

we cried. it was hard not to. I think back of all the times echo spent in the student lounge, eating, screaming, arguing, practising, slacking, playing, talking, bitching. to know that alpha is only next door, to hop around, to say hello and goodbye to that ugly gorilla outside the room, sit on the animals inside the lounge.

stoning at FLOS cause we were clueless, to wish for one of our instructors to come and provide lovely inspiration.

so many memories.

as a person. I learnt alot alot.

and, on a side note, my belay team must have been under a whole lot of strain. and I must have looked like a total idiot on top of the ropes.

oh, and to echo1, I never told you guys why I cried when I came down from that buoy thing right? it wasnt fear, it wasnt fatigue or anything. I never could say it, but it was tears of thanks, of being touched. that you guys were there for me, didnt give up on me. thankyou guys. really.

I shall stop here before drained supplies of tears flow again. you could say I am camp sick.

echo, I am packing everyone of you, into a special box of memories. I'm going to lock it up, and keep it deep in my mind, cause every single one of you mean so much to me, beyond all the conflicts, I'll keep our laughing tearing faces deep inside, cause that's how much you guys mean to me. I love you all, and thank you guys for everything that you've given me. we've grown since our first BTC. and I hope that when I say we've made our instructors proud of us, I'm not wrong.

it's such a perfect night, it doesnt feel quite right that this is our last night here with you.

I will remember, our camping days and friendships true.

it's just goodnight and not goodbye.

echo 2008, I love you guys. and I will miss you all dearly.

echo power! I'm missing our run-and-frighten instructors hugs alrdy. once at the end of BTC, once at the end of COALs. fittiing, no? group hugs! sheesh!

I would like to be an OAL. to give my juniors and friends the same gifts that my instructors gave me. but I know I cant. I know that I am a total idiot with outdoor activites, that I am not performing really well. I learnt my lesson well, from the pc board. I got my fingers burnt once. ought I risk it again?

but a part of me, yearns so much to give back to the school, the school which has given me so much.

2008-11-22T12:12:00.002+08:00

looked through my emails this morning, and an old friend sent me a chain mail. as with all other chain mails, it had a story on top, and a threat that if you do not pass this story on, you will suffer ___ years of bad luck. below however, were a list of someones. e.g. someone wants to hug you, someone wants to be hugged by you.

what struck me most was this, at the bottom of the entire email.

someone
has faith in you

I really hope, this someone exists for me.

2008-11-22T11:28:00.003+08:00

I realised, in the midst of the frantic preparations for COALs, I seem to have forgotten about my worries about the camp. this morning however, when I was looking through the pack list and making a mental to be bought, all the fears, insecurities and anxiety came flooding back.

I have faith in my instructors, my friends, my teamates. I hope that ultimately I wont come back with the thought, that I let myself down.

of all things, I will see this through, with my head held high. I wont cry. I wont. I will try to make this camp fufiling, for myself, for my group mates.

this is a promise to myself.

but the dull inkling of fear still remains..

and one things's for sure, I will miss every single silly, cute, irritating moments with echo. go echo, we've reached this point, our last chance to prove ourselves. we'll make the instructors proud, of us.

2008-11-21T21:05:00.003+08:00

I love my clique. they are the best people alive, although sometimes we argue, we split up, but at the end of the day, we are still one. as demostrated today when we shared our very nice fried chicken. honestly, at the rate I am popping fast food, I will be severly overweight by the end of this holiday.

bel: I love you, honestly. you're one of the closest friends that I have ever managed to get, those whom I feel ok being myself with. I dont care. no matter if I am still around next year, you'd better keep me an empty slot so that we can go out and snuggle up in the bookstore k! gosh, that sounded wrong. but it's ok, your husband doesnt want you, and mine cant wait to give me away. ahh, I am going to miss walking with you down to the carpark and laughing at nonsensical things. and you bitching and berating loudly. heh, let's play stare again, and you are not allowed to cheat this time oy? (: muacks. dont cry the next time someone throws you a surprise dodobird!

and yes, highly interesting snippets of today included leenalee almost getting drunk on 13 liquer chocolates and bel trying to trick me into eating them, er, bel, got smell? Money No Enough is a highly stupid and lousy movie, and the subtitles are nonsense. TP got us interesting pencils from beijing, hurhur. Mahjong is also not my cup of tea.

what else?
oh, leenalee cannot do p5 maths, heh. and and, liuliu! get well soon k! cant go COALs with diahrrea! (:

2008-11-21T09:48:00.003+08:00

yesterday was fun. yes, we finally completed our flag, and whilst it isnt perfect, that's just too bad, cause I like it very much. cause it has our sweat and blood, literally. that, and not counting the time and money and strength and patience that everyone had to put in. it's a team effort, whoo.

crashed alpha's meeting after echo's ended. and silly echo people all have this thing about cleaning up. sheesh! if all job options fail, I shall go be a cleaner. and on my resume I shall have this line: always clearing up rubbish. talked with erm, less than half of alpha. oh, shar has nice songs in her phone. and that shar is going to be very very disappointed next year, cause her "new" table partner is nothing like her "old" table partner. leena and her thing about people crying in front of her is so amusing.

finally a day off. I have never slept past 8 this entire week, and you call this the holidays. ohwellz. better productively busy than stupidly slack. boy, though I am going to enjoy my hour or so remaining of leisure time before I meet the clique and give a certain someone a surprise.

better late than never, and i know you wont see this till after your own birthday party by us ;
happy 14th, Isabel low (: oh, and the clique purposely didnt wish you on the actual day, on purpose, -winks-

2008-11-19T23:52:00.003+08:00

this is a post for ranting and ventation. it is highly cautioned against that you do not read.

mailto:T^*&#%&@#%*(%&*(@#&%*&(*&(@*&R(*#&%
ok. time to start breathing again. you are so not worth my temper.

2008-11-19T16:11:00.004+08:00

flag making.am exhausted. what else is there to say?

that I smell of glue cause we have used all the known glues and methods to join two pieces of corrugated board?
that finding out that Bravo has similar designs as us makes us feel down?
that sitting beside Gryphon doing their simple nice and unique flag is quite depressing?

that I am extremely tired and my world's spinning in front of me now?

that some people just cant lie properly, and it makes me damn irritated?

or that encouraging others when your heart isnt in it feels hypocritical?

I dont know. I am tired. really really tired.

but I know we can do it. we can, and we shall.
go echo. we've come so far together, abit more, abit more.

abit more tolerance, abit more patience. abit more time, abit more laughter. abit more, that's all we need.

tired confidence; that we can do it as a group.

and to all the other groups, jiayou for the rest of the journey towards COALs. one thing I learnt from COALs and BTC prep? that cedarians, no matter how bitchy, how irritating, how bimbotic we are and can be ; most of us are warm hearted, nice people who are always willing to help out, and be helped. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Falcon, Gryphon, Hawk, Indigo, cedarians, campers to the very end. Jiayou!

Now I need to go off for piano lessons, and it isnt a very happy prospect. and I doubt anyone will read this post, cause it is droning. but I needed it, so who cares. (;

2008-11-18T23:27:00.004+08:00

reflections are annoying

I do not know how to do reflections that are to be submitted to instructors. I seriously dont know how. I cant possibly say I find the instructors oddly amusing at alot of moments and I have to reel in my laughter alot because they are amusing. I cant say that I wanted to join boat2 and disturb my husband and capsize the boat with leena and izah for the pure fun of it. I cant say how alot of campers noticed the unusually high interest from the instructors towards the dragonboating instructors. I cant say alot of things.

sheesh, am I destinied to become a word processing robot that spews out politically correct stuff? probably rephrased a thousand times, deleted paragraphs after paragraphs.

supposedly personal reflections. how, personal.

2008-11-18T22:01:00.003+08:00

I finished doing whatever I am supposed to have done already. at least, the part that is urgent.

dragon boating was fun today, and that's that. fullstop. I shall not be a boring old nag and talk about details. though I did enjoy myself very much and especially the kind of bond that echo has. first time we actually sat down and ate together in a nonrushed environment where we can play. and play we did. "there's heat!" haha.

now I gotta go figure out how to write a nice politically correct but not printed from robotic minds reflection.

2008-11-18T21:03:00.001+08:00

echo rocks, what more can I say? I've got stuff to do, things to rush, so I shall see if I have the time or energy to post properly later.

2008-11-16T23:28:00.002+08:00

clique: those I approached regarding CIP hours at St George's place, please sms me, call me, msn me asap.

to those people who need CIP hours and dont mind working with kids in the age range of preschool to p6, please also do the same above.

2008-11-16T21:50:00.003+08:00

one sentence.
yet it left me at a loss what to reply.

with every stroke on the strings my fingers made; my gut protested once.
you were supposed to teach me.

church today, and we were constantly taught about the circular world. heh, yeaps that's how the speaker said it. I wonder if there is a squarish world? so evil of me. but such entertainment.

2008-11-15T17:01:00.003+08:00

got this from leena who got this from cassandra

q1) Does people treat you as side dish?
all the time, darling.

q2) What's your most favourite thing to do?
slacking, fooling around, reading, debating

q3) What is the first thing that comes to your mind of when you think of love?
broken hearts.

q4) What kind of boyfriend/girlfriend do you want?
if I knew, that person would be my boyfriend alrdy.

q5) Is there somebody in your heart right now?
yeah, memories. the real thing is in someone else's

q6) Do you believe that you can survive without money?
" Never, money makes the world go round! :) " - quote leena

q7) Are you afraid of pain?
depends, but I will moan and groan and make a fuss.

q8) What do you feel like doing now?
eating. like a hungry ghost.

q9) If there is someone you love, will you confess to him/her?
probably hint at it, not outright.

q10) List 5 things/people you dislike now.
1. Him
2. Her
3. They
4. It
5. In short, the world.

q11) What is your 5 most passionate things at the moment?
1. debate
2. friends
3. heart to heart conversations
4. you being here
5. Nothing

q12) If you have to eat 1 thing for your whole life, what would that be?
haha, SOUP!

q13) If you had a chance to be rich or happy, which one will you choose?
cant I be both?

14) If you have the chance, which part of your character would you like to change?
My dominance. but that's what's me in the first place, sigh

q15) If you are unhappy, what will you do?
depends, but I will just look happy anyway

6) Which country do you like the most?
outer space.

q17) Which is your favourite band?
noone, hurhur.

q18) Are you happy?
are you?

q19) Who's the best?
nobody

8 Ppl: shant be mean.

2008-11-15T16:50:00.004+08:00

out with the chalet, in with the fever. sheesh.

finally did something to my hair to make it more manageable. thankgod my mom agreed, else I have to lug a headful of long hair to coals where I hear 2mins showers are in trend. it spells diaster. seriously?

went visiting to the hospital yesterday, interesting. much as I hate hospitals and the smell of antiseptic and occasional death, it is quite interesting to see that the hospital corridors are always brightly lit and there are always busy sounds and people bustling around. unlike the depiction in horror films. where it is always dark and you can see shapes drifting around. probably surgeon cloacks, hmm.

and horror on horror, I was watching ghost whisperers in the dayroom (at night, mind you). how, ghostly.

incoherent ramblings, that pink pill did funny things to my brain.

I watched, from another door as the two of you were talking. I could only walk back into the room, emptyhanded. I couldnt bring myself to walk past you two. I just, couldnt. time was supposed to heal wounds. but why does it seem to me that nothing is being done to wash it away?

2008-11-15T01:37:00.004+08:00

for some weird reason, all the common blogs I usually surf, (obviously not from my own level) to find out about campfire auditions from a different perspective has either moved or has been locked! sheesh. did all of them get a tipoff we are reading their blogs?

hmm, come to think of it, I wont be surprised either.

2008-11-15T01:19:00.002+08:00

thrashing turned out ok. yay. we shall continue being bonded, being honest and being cynical no? (: go sec2s going to be sec3s. whoo, upper sec, scary.

2008-11-13T23:50:00.003+08:00

I think that one of the greatest bliss in life is to be surrounded by friends and eating. be it screaming at ghost movies, settling past disputes with other levels and reacertaining friendships, I think I really enjoyed today's chalet. I love my el sec2 family of ai, and I love my cca. Joy posted two days ago that she loves her debate juniors. I love my seniors too. I may complain moan and groan to others about cca, about debate. but at the end of the day, I love every single one of them. hugs.

nothing like a day together without stress to make me realise that. only pity is that the sec4s werent officially invited, I quite wanted to speak to a certain senior. shant be paranoid anymore though, let's hope the thrashing session later wouldnt be bad, but whatever, we are still one family of love. with its unique hierachy and combination, each with her own flaws and strengths, complimenting each other.

on the other hand, there will always be regrets, and my regret now would be how I never ever cleareed up stuff with mal. a question mark left behind, good or bad, I never will know now. I still miss you mal. you and your uniqueness and questions that always help advance a debate case prep. I miss you, you and your shy manner, you and how you talk, think, speak. I miss you. I really do. what happened between us?

thrashing is about to take place. I wonder how it will turn out ultimately.

2008-11-12T10:46:00.002+08:00

I've about learned my lesson, friend. your blog is quite ironic, havent you realised? the first thought I had was. are you talking about youself, bitch? I wanted to tag as anon, but I realised that it aint worth descending to your level. like to bitch so much? well, go ahead.

I am just hoping feverntly that we do not get into the same class, or that you do not become el exco. I wonder how el will become under you, but then again, I really aint that interested to find out? so dont bother.

2008-11-11T22:15:00.002+08:00

this is a promised post.

me and sharianty dont get along seamlessly on all accounts, we are perfectly honest with each other, and we do not hide things from each other. we make it damn clear where we think the other needs to improve or anything, and trust me, I trust her more than any of the bitches spreading those nonsense.

all in all, I still love her and my el familyofai very much. tell me which family doesnt have disputes?

also, me and singyi have perfectly no problems with each other, and she is not the anon on my blog awhile back. she is not that kind of hypocritcal person k? she will not bitch about me behind and laugh with me infront.

bitches? game over, we dealt with it.

2008-11-11T20:04:00.002+08:00

it's so hard to pretend that I am happy and gay all the time, when well, that's simply not the case. sure, I dont feel good too when she says whatever she says, but that's besides the point right? let's just not lose our focus and make a mountain out of this not so small molehill. just work as a team k? I want that for us.

I'm really tied. mentally. let down, perhaps.

need to settle stuff now, let's hope my mood stops plunging downwards.

2008-11-10T23:24:00.002+08:00

today's echo meeting was funny, like a super sized combo pack. what staring down, from throwing the ball to passing the ball that makes the game worst than a , random burstings of laughter, nonsense. haha, but it's nice, and bond inducing, hmm. poor instructor alicia, subjected to insanity. and we were supposed to be quiet! haha, gosh.

day was extremely fun, but oweing to the fact that I am damn tired, maybe another day (:

at the end of coals, I cant be sure of concrete friendships, OAL title, or for that matter, anything. but what I do know I will have, is happy memories. for now, that's enough

2008-11-09T22:37:00.001+08:00

thank god for friends. to crap with, to terrorise, to be sacarstic to, to emo to. thank god for every single one of you (:

2008-11-09T18:49:00.004+08:00

church today, nothing particularly worth commenting about. no odd touching moments, just acute embarrassment at typos on powerpoint slides.and someone ought to do something about sharing. sharing never does works out the way it should, hmm.

guitar course started. aint a total newbie at it, but I've never touched chords before. shouldnt be a problem, was always a question about perserverance right? was reminded of conversations not so long ago, of casual teasing and heart to heart conversations. you always pushed me to learn the guitar, to do things that sounds impossible to me like changing from specs to contacts. someone told me today that if I picked up the guitar, it would be my wife. it sounded so familiar, which is more to say than what you have become. the bus ride felt like a grinding mortar. how long can I take my insides contracting, I dont know.

I'm listening to you're not alone. how ironic that that's exactly how I feel, alone. told shar once that everytime I walk in a certain underground tunnel, I feel so lost and alone. so caught up in the rat race, so bound to live freely.

have stuff to do.

2008-11-09T00:58:00.003+08:00

either something's wrong with the comp, or the echo blog has problems. I shall go pester someone tomorrow and see which is right.

you. you have been a wonderful friend, a great source of comfort by my side. dont give up k? I'd hate to see someone so strong collapse. dont, dont give in. not yet, sweet. remember us joking around and acting like a coupla of idiots, remember us being incharge and in control of the entire situation, giving pep talks before major performances and all that kind of nonsense. remember our outings when we just hang out and slack. remember, and smile, and laugh. dont cry, you dont know how worried I would be if you did. jiayou there silly one! hang on tight. meanwhile, call me if you need someone k?

oh, and someone randomly mentioned how my you's have so many personalities. that's exactly the point, the you's arent always directed at the same person?

I'm wonderfully tired, but my brain's on full blast mood. this is quite bad, no?